Organizing Lu

2011-04-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

So much has been happening in our lives, but I wanted to give a short rundown:

- I was thoroughly sick for two weeks, and missed at least seven days of life. Well, I was alive, but it didn't feel like that while coughing so hard that I was vomiting.

- I'm happy to say that I feel great right now.

- Just as I started feeling better, Matt woke with a 102 degree temperature and he missed a few days of his life too, but he's headed back to work tomorrow - YAY! Snohomish Community Health program!

-My mom bought a great house recently for a screaming deal. Screaming. It only needed minor repairs to move into. My sis Kim and I helped her find it, which was one of my favorite things I've done this year!

-With all the great news, Mom has been having health concerns - likely more mini-strokes mixed with a bad drug cocktail that was served to her through stupid, irresponsible doctors- pray for her as this can be scary, and is tiring and her body is not working like she's used to. And pray for us as we love her and want her to feel better.

- I've recently realized that along with loving nerdy stuff like spreadsheets and an over organized linen closet, I love physical labor. I love being in the yard, I love delivering cards to the 311 units at the apartments, I love kneading dough, I love walking, I love dance, I love scrubbing and oh so many other things. Meanwhile, my body doesn't love it as much. In fact, I'm concerned with my feet because they ache and ache and ache deeply when I work hard - pray for that if you think about it as there is a high chance I have RA. Health insurance will show up in May (thank God) and we'll check into it then.

- Our family and friends have been consistently loving and faithful as Matt and I work hard here in Everett, and are so busy that everything has to be scheduled. Unless you live within a mile of us spontaneity doesn't exist. We are incredibly blessed to have such a great group of people at church and in our families who love and support us.

- We love our family immensely and have had some really sweet moments. Mimmermabib (Matt's mom) has been so kind, helping us during our sickness, and Kim and Charles (my sis and bil) and I worked really hard for mom yesterday and it was so nice to serve with everyone. We come from good stock!

- I had a great Easter day at Mums, and we saw Will and Meg who are so delightful and lovely!

- My lovely twin Jenn and her husband Gav are coming into town in ten days - I cannot say how excited I am as it won't justify my excitement.

- My other sis, Karin is moving in with Mom, which I think will be great on many levels! yay!

- I have really been missing my family in Spokane and Wyoming and my sweet friend and her family on Vancouver Island, BC and my friends in Fairbanks, AK. I wish I could see you all right now!

- Finally, Matt and I feeling really thankful and blessed that our hard work is paying off and we're sticking to our goals, financially, planning for our future and relationally. This is awesome and difficult and all kinds of tricky but it's been good and it has made me feel like I can consciously dream again - something I really haven't done in a while.

- I wish I could edit this more, but I need to sleep more than worry about my typing or saying exactly what I mean or feel- now it's time to let my subconscious do the dreaming.

Guh.

2011-04-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in the dark, on a bed on the floor and every time I stop coughing I hear the refrigerator. My throat is throbbing form the incessant coughing that resulted from a severe cold over the last few days. The postnasal drip seems to have almost disappeared, but my raw throat screams out in a duck-like cough ever time something tickles it, which is about ever other minute. I have had many colds, but these are the worst. I've been living the life of a mute and forwarding all my calls to Matt and forcing friends to text or email me because talking with me is more like talking in a nightmare.

On top of that the codeine syrup prescribed by the Doc appears to have no effect on my nocturnal need to cough at all odds! I'm likely heading toward addiction, since I keep taking more because NOTHING IS HAPPENING! The same stupid, frustrating, sleep depriving cough, I'm so tired of being tired and I've said that before, yet this time I really mean it more than ever. Tired of feeling like the lining of my throat, made of sandpaper, moves with ever single intake of air or change in my sleeping position. Upright is the easiest for me, but who sleeps sitting up unless they (like myself) always ride coach?

Here I am...awake, loathing my only desire, to throw my head against the pillow, wishing I had a huge jar of liquid NyQuil, my preferred cough medicine. It tastes like licorice and it knocks me out cold....stupid Codeine prescription!

One final note, by sleeping on the floor in the living room at least Matt gets a good night sleep in our bed- no matter where I am sleeping isn't happening.

QUICK AND THICK

2011-03-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

This is a quick post without much thought to grammer, punctuatioin, etc.

We just finished our 30th (that's approx.) event at Crystal Cove and I'm finally okay with saying that I like this gig. I would never want say it to anyone when we started, but I was almost certain I wouldn't really like doing this. But, I've starting looking forward events, they are fun and interactive and use the other more low-key, and often creative side of my brain! Plus, I've gotten to know quite a few people now. Today, I felt myself getting excited as I finished up work and drove home, and felt even more happy as I got ready for the event. Just looking forward to seeing people eating my soup and having fun. I'm glad we're doing this - even if it means I walk and take the bus to work, and even if it means it feels like we are professional time jugglers. Matt and I both desire to be debt free and we just a need a few more months, and anyway, I'm really loving my walks to work, rain or shine.

I guess the next question in the fuzz of it all is, why in the heck did we decide to do lent this year!? taking sugar, my staple food addiction and throwing it out feels like throwing out a baby - I mean food addiction - with the bathwater. It has been going okay, besides when I see anything sweet, even a picture my mouth starts watering. I'm keeping oranges and apples close by - these are my friends. But a tip - don't over Agave your coffee to death - not yummy. (Oh...umm...i'm not supposed to talk about fasting - so that's all you get of that - I'm going to go put some ash on my face now!)

I've found myself really, really overly critical of what I do. For instance, I felt horrible today with the anticlimatic prize winning that we didn't even have on hand- how dumb did I feel. Well, really dumb, I felt like everyone was giving me a pie-in-the-face-that-has-rocks-in-the-bottom-look. Realistically, they they probably weren't, but inside that's how I feel. This is a great example of my feelings of inadequacy lately - which has been flowing in my work, my play and in CNW.

I read God's word which brings my anxiety level to a simmer - right now that's all i feel I can muster - so that's where I am.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's day, and goodnight!

UP-DOWN

2011-01-29T14:28:00.000-08:00

I love graphs, maybe because I'm a nerd, and likely because I think visually. When I think of words, I see the letters, people- faces, etc. Right now I'm contemplating my life in graph format. My graph over the last few months is a series of up and down (up-down, up-down, up-down)- all about the same distance between the ups and downs.

My current up-down is employment related. The up: I was offered and accepted a job I really like. I worked hard at applying for work that I would actually like doing and I feel blessed to have received this in such a tight economy. Thank you GOD! The down: getting paid more would be nice. The up: We (my husband and I) have been communicating well, doing well at conflict resolution and we started a budget workshop at our house. The down: my husband has lost his job again and my frustration level with this is a mix of insecurity and feeling lost, with feeling like I've been desensitized.

So, right now, my journey is moving at about this pace, and with this much effort.

Up-down, up-down, up-down...

Beautiful Transformation

2010-12-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

Amazing transformation (imagine me twirling around with a big grin!) of a tiny kitchen. This one was shown on Apartment Therapies, Best of 2010 before/afters.

It is BEAUTIFUL....here is the link, so LOOK!

JoAnn's with the Lea-mom

2010-12-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm headed out to JoAnn fabrics to get some high-density foam with Lea-mom (AKA Mom-in-law), it's going to be a date.

Isn't that nice?

I'll post pictures by tomorrow of my completed coffee table cushion. I'm converting our beautiful danish style coffee table into an partial ottoman so that we have a cushy foot rest while watching the tube or reading. So far it is turning out dashingly and I'm holding my breath that it'll come out all right.

I had a sweet Christmas. Still not exactly the same without all my family, but sweet, and I received a set of 5 lb dumbbells (yes, I'm that weak), a heating pad, a bunch of clothes, gloves, earrings, slippers, a set of cordless phones for the house, a cutting board, recipe box, and a manicure set. My gifts were perfect! Of course, lots of chocolate and good food.

Anyway, must run, tootles pip!

Letter to Santa

2010-12-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa

I'm thinking today of Christmas and how blessed I feel to have had such a sweet upbringing with parents who loved and cared for me deeply. Lately, I've been wishing I could snuggle in my bed at the house on the highway and peer out the window, early Christmas morning, while it is still dark and the street light is shining down on the snow covered trees and yard. The air in our room is cold, we don't have heat besides the wood stove downstairs and it hasn't been burning since late last night. My sister, Meg, is just opening the door of my room and whispering to Jenn and I to sneak downstairs and open our stockings. In our PJ's and sock covered feet me, Jenn and Meg slip downstairs, sit close to the tree, blankets wrapped around us, and open our stockings; usually filled with some small things, hair bands and chocolate, a teddy bear and perhaps a necklace and always a large orange at the toe.

We're there for what seems like an hour, and Mum wakes, makes coffee- then Papa wakes up and starts the fire that will burn hot all day long. Then our presents are distributed in no particular order, but we're polite enough to open one at a time around the room. We each get a sweater, and me and Jenn get something really similar. I receive a box of colored pencils and Meg books and a large package of white socks. Jenn receives more clothes and a jewelry box. Papa bought Mum some beautiful, gold earrings and Papa receives recordable tapes and a set of drill bits. The dachsunds get bones: Christmas has begun.

Around eleven our older siblings and their children arrive and more gifts are opened, then we eat: pumpkin pie, turkey and Mum's famous mashed potatoes, and of course Mum's pickled everything and olives and deviled eggs and so many good things. Dee makes a ham. We drink tea and eggnog and play games and some of us kids brave the cold snow and later we watch a movie. Some of the family may stay over for the evening in our rooms or head home or to other Christmas dinners and Aunt Trudy and Mr. Potter arrive too. In the late afternoon, just after we begin dinner, the snow starts falling again, and from the eastern window upstairs, the creek at the back of the property has swollen and is a few feet from the edge of the property.

So, Santa, I'm not a child anymore. That was my childhood Christmas and I miss it terribly. It's different being older, but I'm working on making the holiday real. I'm working on thinking about Christmas differently, realizing that it isn't just about family and presents and making people feel good, but it is most about Jesus. I remember the Christmas eve services, we'd dress up for those, or go to Christmas eve Mass with Dad, those times brought back our focus from our presents to the greatest gift; God gave his son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.

So, this Christmas, when the family traditions are different, when Papa isn't here anymore, when my family is across multiple states, cities and countries. This Christmas, when things feel so strange and unlike Christmas, I'm just trying to remember that I've still deeply loved, by God whose son was born in a dirty, dank, animal dung, manger. Born to live a humble life and to die for my life. Santa my Christmas wish for this year: that I will remember, all year round, I am deeply and passionately loved.

Your's truly,
Jessica

Pain the the Neck

2010-12-22T20:09:00.000-08:00

I had a good day.

6:30 AM wake-up call, take Matt to work.

8:00 AM get home, check emails, check on the cat and get ready to talk to my sweet Swazi sister (Check out the PC Peace maker on my links).

9:00 AM talk with sister, she rocks, she's hardcore and yes, she's hot.

10:00 AM mom calls and says we planned on hanging out together (umm...somehow I forgot this detail). Hang-up quickly, shower quickly and grab all my stuff.

10:30 AM in the lounge which is FREEZING...I try to get it warmed up, a bunch of kids come we watch the dragon show- major success.

12:10 PM leave to meet mom at fedex/costco in Edmonds, where I print out some things and Mom and I head to downtown Edmonds

12:30 PM we have lunch, I'm still FREEZING cold and the bread they serve is cold, but the food is awesome and the coffee is great and WARM.

1:30 PM we hit the streets which have quick, cold winds whipping around and I'm freezing, but we go in and out of shops so I feel okay still.

4:30 PM Matt calls it's time to get him.

5:00 PM I pick Matt up, we head home and my shoulder, shoulder blade and neck tense up and pain starts shooting everywhere and yes it's my left shoulder and arm, and no I don't think I had a heart attack, my heart is in good working order from a few months ago per a medical thinkamabob I went in for...it's just that I shivered so much today that I'm tight as an elephant's g-string and it's cutting off the circulation.

5:30 PM Matt tries his hardest to help massage...he is trying.

6:00 PM I HAVE to get warm, I'm freezing, I soak in a HOT HOT bath and feel OH so much better.

8:00 PM...I'm having to warm my shoulder up and take Ibuprofen.

SO...what do i learn...

Wear layers....lots of them...

AND DO MY STINKING "PAIN FREE" exercises everyday...then life wouldn't be so painful.

GUH

And please, Jessica, use the voucher you have for a 90 minute massage...SHEESH!

I have a stinking PAIN IN THE NECK.

Great time with mom though and overall great day...now if I could just get to the store...

A Counseling Session

2010-12-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

Matt and I have been talking since we were married about him working full time and I working P/T or not at all. There are a few reasons for this, but mainly he doesn't really care about keeping the house clean and food cooked and I enjoy doing those things, but it's really hard for me to do the cleaning and the cooking and the full time working. Maybe that's a weakness, but it's true. It's REALLY hard for me to do both full time.

So, now that both of us are mostly unemployed (I say mostly because we do have a P/T gig doing events for the apartment community we live in) I feel a little uncertain of this idea....here is why...

1. I've generally been able to make more money then him, go figure, I have a four-year degree. I like money, I get stressed out when we don't have money and I like nice things....

2. I have a hard time believing that I could influence the world positively from home.

3. The idea of a "Stay at home-wife/mom" makes me feel like there is something lazy about me...I'm not saying that applies to anyone else, I'm just saying that about me...I think maybe I'd feel differently if we had children, but we don't.

4. I feel like I'll loose my identity if I'm not given a solid check every two weeks and a nod from by boss that I've done a great job.

So that is that. Looking at the list above a lot of this I'm sure is common among other people faced with a similar situation...meanwhile, It's me and I'm sitting here working through a lot of junk and thinking about what I still want to be when I grow up and it can be overwhelming.

I like getting a pay check, I like being at home...so maybe...I need the two combined...

Good

2010-12-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

Today is the first real day that I've seen progress at my house as I try to get things back to normal after the holidays....

Woke up feeling awake, and without back pain thanks to Mr. O and my warm rice sock
Budget for the month in place
Schedule for the month penciled in
Office cleaned
Papers filed
Grocery list started
Reports reviewed and emailed
Calendars delivered and posters put up
Dinner planned
Now Kid's Lounge event
Then evening errands.

I am glad

I'm Awake

2010-11-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

For someone whose eyes prefer the top of the mountain where the jagged parts, soft tops and dark valleys soften together to create a painter's landscape, or the vast sea from the shore with it's liquid music and visual eternity, it is most difficult to wait in the dense forest, with sleeping friends and a think fog.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Today is Thanksgiving, a holiday set aside to be thankful for the harvest and for what we have. It is also November 25 and subsequently Papa would be 71 years old today. It's been just over two years since I saw him last and I still miss him the same, but I think he'd prefer that I remain a thankful person, as he was so consistently thankful to God for what he'd been given.

In memory of Papa, here are some reasons I am thankful.

Salvation. I am thankful that God loves me despite my crooked heart, that he has sent Jesus to save my soul and the Holy Spirit to provide discernment. It is all true and I am so thankful, to the point of incomprehensible peace and gratitude. Thank you good, merciful and loving God.

Creation. The fact that we live in a beautiful world, that God made and that we, because we're made in His image, have the ability to make brings me to tears

Family. The family that I grew up in, my Dad and his family, my Papa and Mama, my 7 sisters and 1 brother and their families- my nieces and nephews. I love my step family that I know well through Papa and my new family through Matt, who surprises me so often with their love. Without them I would be a very different Jessica

Friends. While historically friendship has been a difficult thing for me God has provided AMAZING friends in my life who have truly, truly shown me love, kindness and truth. These people are living gems and I thank God for knowing them. I am so grateful for you all.

My husband. More than any other person we've fought fire together, and sometimes against each other, but we stand, more united than before and I am so thankful to be the warrior wife standing near you, and so thankful for all the ways God has shown up in our lives both with loving arms and a strong fist.

My cat. I didn't want a cat- but he is such a joy. I really, really love animals and thank God for this little fuzzy joy.

Being a twin. This is an experience that is so deep, I cannot put it into words, but even more I am so thankful for God's divine work in my life because my twin saved me and I her.

Being home schooled and having to garden for what seemed like all-the-time. These two experiences taught me that I can do anything.

Dance. If I were to do one thing for the rest of my life, I would dance- and while I'm by no means a professional, I am thankful for the ability to move and the few years I had lessons.

Food. Thank you God for providing for us.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Expectations Land Softly

2010-11-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm at the point where papers are literally pilling up on my office desk and around my house. There are scarps of paper and fabric near my coffee table and tools laying about. My bed isn't made and the laundry is almost done and folded but not put away. I haven't made a proper meal in the last four days (besides the recipe below and Matt's lunchs), but thankfully I have managed to keep the dishes done and the counter in the kitchen clean. I've also managed to hang one set of curtains and wrangle Matt into hanging my knife rack (the magnetic kind).

I'm working at UPS (the pest place) part time for a while and Matt's working full time, gone for twelves hours each day (OHHHHH how I HATE commutes) and our car has been having problems so it takes my ENTIRE body to turn corners (Yay for the machanic who is fixing it tomorrow).

Meanwhile, we're also trying to be 100% into Community NW and we're beginning to think that we cannot have me working CNW and a P/T job for the long run, which is what we thought initially, but now we know.

Also, I've been feeling really thankful right now for my life, for the people in it, the sacredness of being here and being given the time on earth to learn about God and love others like Christ. Life is a gift, it is also a shadow. I must treat it tenderly and thoughfully, with a soft strength. (By the way, I've had a number of really deep thought provoking conversations lately which I'll hopefully be able to share when I'm not so piled up with things).

So right now I'm thankful for the little moments, for the tiny accomplishments. I'm not going to beat myself up for the things I haven't gotten done and I won't let anyone else beat me up. God isn't angry at me because I have a big mess at home - I've been frightfully busy doing the important things, with His help and timing, the rest of it will be taken care of too.

I made this today- with a whole egg tempered perfectly.

2010-11-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

Here is where the picture and recipe were found. Thanks to The Kitchn.

I used Malt O Meal instead, and my thoughts on it are: a subtle substance = happiness.

Fall Festival Kick Off

2010-10-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today is the fall party at Crystal Cove, the apartment community Matt and I have been working at for a month and there is so much to do. We need to set up the room, bake more cookies, buy bottles of soda for the bowling game, make more frosting, take out our trash, go grocery shopping and a bunch of other things. I'm overwhelmed, but something I've been learning about being overwhelmed is that I need to get all the stuff that is packed in my cranium out and aired.

I went to sleep last night at 1:30 AM, which is super later for me, but I couldn't sleep past 7:30 this morning. Since then, I've been up trying to accomplish some things, one of which was making a German pancake with apple sauce in hopes that it would lure my ever sleeping husband from bed. No cigar. He is still in bed with the covers pulled over his face and about ten pillows stacked on top of his head. I hope he can breath because when he does wake up I really need him.

The truth is that I don't understand migraines. I've had maybe ten in my lifetime and only two of them have been painful, the others just made the world look like it does through a kaleidoscope.

I did have my share of the German pancake and man, I think this is my favorite morning breakfast. So custard like and delicious. Meanwhile, the man is still asleep and I believe today has marked the moment when I finally realize that my husband doesn't care much about food. He likes it, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hit his top ten list of things he enjoys. That is SUPER strange for me since I love food, cooking food, trying food, eating food, planning food. It's a creative process and when something turns out well I LOVE seeing others enjoy it. The down side is if they don't express satisfaction I'm calculating the next time I make that dish and determining ways to fix it.

Yet, I can honestly say that today's pancake rocks! Now who gets to share the other 3/4th of the goodness?

My new project...well, my brainchild, Matt's project.

2010-10-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

Oatmeal Mask

2010-10-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, an artist friend of mine gave me a full tutorial on how to make a mask- as in masquerade. It was great fun, except that one of the steps was slathering vaseline over my ENTIRE face, which has resulted in a month of itchy, angry, face-full of clogged pores. Where is my 9th grade homeroom when I need it?

So, today, I decided to resurrect my thirty-year old face by making another mask. An oatmeal, honey, milk mask via a recipe I found online. Yes, you may think that slapping breakfast cereal all over my face dropped me to the level of a 1 year old- but so far, so good. My face is kissing itself right now - a sign of maturity.

All things considered, my fancy mask turned out fairly well. I'll confirm this Sunday night by answering my door, candy in hand with a molded, grimacing look. However, if over the next two days the oatmeal morphs me into Mrs. Hyde, well then it is still a win-win situation; Sunday, I'll just skip the fancy mask all together.

PS. I am learning about photoshop elements...it is fun.

Melinda Hackett

2010-10-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

I just read an article about Melinda Hackett, an artist who had a treehouse built for her daughters in Manhattan. Her unfriendly neighbors made a big fuss over it because the neighborhood is historical; people like Mark Twain lived there, and he certainly wouldn't have approved. Anyway, she won the case and I won by reading the article because I felt enticed to see her paintings. I'm glad I did and you will be too. Please visit her website!

Fear And Other Findings

2010-10-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

A friend gave me a chance to talk today, it was nice being inquired about. Thinking over what we discussed, here are some of my current findings.

A. I've realized that it is hard for me to follow-up with new people. It's hard for me to develop new friendships by asking them to coffee, or over for dinner, or just calling on the phone. These simple things may seem easy, yet to me they feels like mountain climbing with a fifty pound pack in flip-flops. This is a weakness. Not an insurmountable weakness, but something that I'm asking God to grow me in.

B. Growing up, my family (Pa, ma and their children) didn't have much money. In fact, I can still remember being teased for wearing clothes from Goodwill, and I thought shopping at K-Mart was high end. Because of that and also because of my biological father's propensity to make a LOT of money, but never have any, I am (at a VERY deep level) afraid of being poor. I didn't realize this until just a few months back and it has been revealing. I've realized that my employment choices and my pushing us (Matt and I) to make as much money as possible is a fear based reaction versus necessity. Of course, to live, money must come from somewhere, but I had pushed God away from ultimate provide to being one who provides only when absolutely necessary. This is not Biblical and it does not encourage faith, not to mention it has made for many frustrating and overwhelming years. I'm working on this, working on understanding faith in this area.

C. My own trek as an artist hit a rather frustrating low over the last year. Yet, I still believe God is call me toward daily creativit. Currently, this means humbling myself and realizing that my artistic muscles have lost their elasticity. I do have the Artist Way group that for helping me uncover much of the grap that has held me back for so long. Most of it is linked to the fear of not having money and the uncertainty of my own gifts.

D. I love my husband. I know, this seems like it should be a given, but we had a really rough first years, and saying this is important, it not only solidifies the pain and struggle we had, but also the truth that those years were worth it. Matthew, is the most unique, quirky person I know (and I know a LOT of unique and quirky people). He talks more than most people I know and loves people more than most I know. He is AMAZING at picking out music and also chatting with strangers and dear friends on their level. I love reading books with him and taking trips with him, and sharing with him spiritual questions and struggles. He can be loud and often doesn't consider things before he speaks, yet he is also tender and willing to grow and we have both changed so much in such a short time being married. If this is what marriage will be for us, I am proud to be his wife, and excited to grow and learn with him. I love my husband.

My Model

2010-10-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

An Office's Beginning w/ the Fuzz.

2010-10-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the floor dreaming of coffee

2010-09-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the floor dreaming of coffee to wash down the Romen noodles I had for breakfast. They were the warm, comfort food I was craving, and the only food on the counter.

We had a successful move (okay, well mostly successful, yes, we still have one or two car's of stuff to hall).

Last night we went back to the apartment in Edmonds and I cried. Despite it's strange layout I loved that place, it felt like home. Now we're living in a city that I barely know, except the street that gets me back to Edmonds, and I feel a little lost.

I think we're supposed to be here, but it hasn't felt like we're home - like being on a diet and trying to fit into the next size down - those size 10 jeans are so comfortable!

So that's how I am, Romen injested, wishing for coffee and my size 10 apartment. Also, I'm glad Comcast came yesterday.

Now...french press, where did I pack you?

Everett Moves Closer

2010-09-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Matt is off galavanting around WorkSource trying to add 1 and 1. Okay, maybe that isn't exactly accurate- but he really is at WorkSource asking for some advice on his recent unemployment debacle.

I'm here at home looking at our torn-up apartment wondering if we're crazy for trying to move without a moving truck (HELLO does anyone out there have a truck we can borrow for about 6 hours Sunday?) while cat, as usual, is sitting around convinced a bird is going to fly through the window into his paws.

So I need to do laundry and I am moving and we did get the job with Community Northwest and we're going to Everett and neither of us have real jobs and unemployment is fighting and it's exciting and frustrating like trying to get ten kids to make a whirlpool while swimming, but each of them is going the opposite way, and how is that for horrible grammar and punctuation?

Matt needs a job (and so do I). We're happy with the Community Northwest job- we are getting a place to live by positively impacting a community, how great is that!? Yet while we have a place to live we still food.

AND

Help to move. Call or email me if you are available.

That's it for now, I'll be back in a few days to let you know how things pan out.

Zi

2010-09-06T22:32:00.001-07:00

Oh Zi, today I really am organizing Lu.

Matthew's Gospel begins my 30 years.

2010-09-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

It is September 7th, 2010 in NZ and Sept 6th, 2010 in Washington and since I'm a resident there I think today is my official birthday. Today we'll be working a little more on sprucing up Jenn's office and I'll be getting a new hair do.

Meanwhile, I woke up last night with a horrible stomach ache and a lot of anxiety. This prompted me to sit up and read about six or seven chapters from the book of Matthew- including the Sermon on the Mount and boy is that convicting. Everything from becoming a harvester, not worrying about my clothes or what I will eat and the section on adultery (Okay, there is clarification here, I'm not having an affair it is just a really amazing section that helps remind me of the good of my husband- and right now how much I miss him).

However, it has prompted more peace about the invitation we've had to work with Community NW in October in a large complex in Federal Way, which has been kind of overwhelming to me primarily because I'm a introvert, secondarily because it is a large complex, and lastly because it is in Federal Way. Yet all of my concerns about working in this complex are squelched by Christ's definitive words.

Let's just say I felt understood and ministered to at 2 am this morning- it is a nice start to 30.

Today's Pictures

2010-09-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

Here are my favorite pictures so far of NZ. So beautiful here, I think I'm falling in love again - with NZ and Adaline's plum cake. Wow.

A Written Update

2010-08-31T03:17:00.000-07:00

It is about 10:30 right now and I'm still up, so I think it's safe to say that I suffered from very little jet lag. Lu is down stairs working on the last five rows of a knitting project and I'm getting ready for bed. Cleaned up my suitcase and tidied my room, and thought perhaps I should finish my unwinding with a small blog session.

Today was filled with a slow starting morning and a drive around Wellington, to Eastborne then down the valley to the north. I saw a sign saying that blue penguins cross the road at night and I saw my first set of sheep scattering the hillside. Overall, Wellington is beautiful. To me it has the hills of Seattle, the quaintness of Portland, the roadways of France, the vegetation of Kauai, and the ocean of Juneau. So beautiful, so different - I really do love this city, and it seems that no matter where you are at there is a beautiful view.

The weather here is windy and cold, but the flowers are beginning to bloom on a few trees and I've seen daffodils and other bright colors. There are beautiful fern trees and tall Norfolk pine and succulents that are bigger than my car.

The wind did die down today and tonight the stars are bright in the sky. We had dinner with Gavin's parents, potatoes and veggies and roast chicken and I saw their very nice house, with beautiful views.

Most of all, I am enjoying my time with Lu- wishing that this wasn't a vacation, but a way of life. Wondering a little about some decisions Matt and I are making (more on that later) and wondering if it is a mistake not to take the chance to live and work in NZ while we're still around 30 years old. God knows, I'll pray and trust in His holy spirit.

Meanwhile, all I have is today, so I must live in the moment, which means I need to brush my teeth and crawl into bed.

So, goodnight, love you and wish you were here too.

Windy Wellington

2010-08-29T22:52:00.001-07:00

I arrived on schedule and Lu was waiting. After a quick, hearty and emotional hug we had a GREAT DAY.

We went to Floradita's and had fritata and a "filled bun" (AKA a sandwich) and coffee and chatted it up

(Actually, we first went to her house and I freshened-up - 24 hours traveling can made me someone worth washing)

Then after the cafe we headed to Mt. Victoria, which is a vantage point of the city. Wellington is filled with hills all over and reminds me of Portland and San Fran mixed together. It's quite lovely despite the ran, and definitely windy, as you can see from the pictures below.This pictures is of me by a canon that was there at Mt. Victoria, I just realized I didn't read the plaque.

We headed home and did a pilates video and had tea and now Jenn is fixing up some tortilla soup.

And yes, the passenger does sit on the left.

Today's Link

2010-08-24T15:02:00.001-07:00

I love this house tour.

Three Pictures

2010-08-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Missing Papa, Kyra, Jenn, and so many more

2010-08-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's late and I'm tired and I should be in bed right now but I'm thinking about my friends and family in other parts of the country (or in other countries) who I haven't seen, some in months, some in years. And friends and family that I won't see until I die.

And it's hard.

Relationships are so hard for me sometimes. They all end, sometimes through geographical distance, some through emotional distance and some through death and the hard part, is no matter what, I know I don't stop loving that person. I don't know how. I think I do know how to block people out, to keep moving, to keep going forward. To live the life I'm supposed to live now, without those relationships, yet it doesn't make living without that person easier.

I've had seasons of my life when I believed having other people in my life wasn't necessary, that living with Christ was all I needed. While, it is true that Christ is truly all I need to feel whole, relationships here on earth have the opportunity to emulate who Christ is and what he did.

I think it is just that, the fact that true relationship is what we long for, that makes being separated from those we've love or those who love us so hard.

So, tonight, I'll be tired an worn, and I'm going to bed, I promise, but I cannot say I haven't shed some tears longing for the friendship and kinship of my friends and family who are not near.

I love you and I deeply miss you.

Future Cabin

2010-08-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

This is the AWESOME cabin of a family in BC. They're cabin is so much like what I'd love Matt and I to have some day (but I think I'd like solar power from the get go).

They are featured in Apartment Therapy...here.

New Side Bar Link!

2010-08-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

This link for the DIY Diva is well, inspiring and amazing. At this point, with no walls, floors, or a place to tear apart of my own, I live vicariously through. Meanwhile, I know that my Mum will have me scraping, sanding and working my knuckles off at the home she's helping prepare for sale - so exciting to see transformations.

So, check out the Diva and all she's up to here.

My job is ending

2010-08-11T08:07:00.001-07:00

Feeling like I can hardly breath today; feeling tired, worn and anxious.

Excellent article that Yahoo! posted from the NY Times

2010-08-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/110275/but-will-it-make-you-happy

Some Positives

2010-08-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

So along with all the difficult, frustrating and exhausting things like loosing my job and having a bacteria grab onto my chicken neck, I have been in the midst of some personal changes that are positive and make me feel good.

1. Eating way better than I have in a long time. Really. AND, I've even kept it up for about three weeks. I'm not killing myself over a small piece of candy, or a spoon of ice cream, but I'm not eating candy bars and bowls of ice cream (acutally, I rarely ate ice cream before...but you get my drift) and I've added a LOT of veggies and fruits. I feel good emotionally and physically. Yay.

2. I've been delving deeper into the Artist Way group I'm a part of and that is good.

3. I've been having some really good, difficult, painful, growing and maturing conversations with my husband.

4. I am realizing that there are certain things I need in life- probably because I'm weak and just cannot do it all on my own, so I'm beginning to let go and also speak up.

5. I'm writing down some of my goals.

6. I'm letting go of the over planner and being careful to allow time for me.

Today's Design Favorite

2010-08-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

We're working on our own home-made chandelier from wine bottles, but this- this is beautiful. I LOVE IT! I found it at Kara Paslay Design.

Up From Here...?

2010-08-04T09:15:00.001-07:00

This is my 100th post, not bad for 2+ years, not good either though. I'm hoping with the changes that are fastly approaching the forground of my life I'll have more opportunity to write and divulge within this online platform.

Right now, there is so much on my mind- from preparing to go to New Zealand at the end of August, my job ending also at the end of August, looking for a new job and seeking a place to live (both my husband and I are out of work), while at the same time hoping that the job I find is part time so I can devote more of my time to creativity, meals, budgeting, caring for the home and caring for my relationship with others, God and just caring for myself. Meanwhile, my husband has to make enough to bear the financial burden while we also scale back on our own cost of living- so many changes and so much hinging the choices we make.

All of those big things and I'm fighting a weird bacterial infection (I have a hard time talking about my physical ailments - I think primarily because that makes me feel sooooo FREAKING OLD!) In the last year I've had three identical rashes on my neck, talked with the dermatologist, they did a test and yep, some kind of funky bacteria. So I'm faithfully taking meds (I hate having to take prescriptions).

I carry these fears of having a terminal illness. I've been afraid of about this since I was a little girl and a friend my age died of cancer. Childhood can really put a wrench in how we view our own circustances. My bad experiances as a child have definitely masks many truths that God is good and does love me. I often see the fear and pain of what I think may happen, instead of believing that God is all knowing, fully good, and has marked me has his child.

BLAHHHHHHHH.

Yes, this is a blah session, but I just feel like I need to throw all this stuff down. I have no idea if many people read anything I write or not, but man, if you read these notes, I and we (meaning Matt and Jess Ober) need prayer and any kind of support you can give.

Nonsense

2010-08-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

I spoke with Mr. Weller and he said there are two filters, a paper and a metal, wire one. I responded by letting him know that we will be receiving everything back and that it will be (as mentioned below) at least ten days.

Yesterday's Late Night Hide and Seek

2010-07-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

I had just gone to brush my teeth, excited for the moment head hits pillow. Those few minutes with the brush, and The Fuzz quietly escaped by knocking out the window screen, slipping into the dark night.

I grabbed the food bucket and tried bravely wandering the complex screaming "Criiiiddddssss! Criiiiiddddsssss!" in the shrillest way possible (that's how I sound inside too) as I shook the bucket making the crunchers move around noisily and hoping not to wake the neighbors. All the while my untrusting side wondering what neighbor released the screen and snatched him up?! The mind can justify all sorts of strange things when something dear is at stake.

Just seconds away from smashing my head against the stucco exterior of our apartment building I heard one of the worst things I've ever heard, my cat was making the sound of an injured dinosaur (or so I imagined) leading me to his hidden position in the shadows, siting in the flower bed near the unit at the end of the building. Poor Fuzz all alone and looking incredibly disillusioned, want some crunchers?

Okay. Now, go inside.

Beautiful Rugs

2010-07-23T08:32:00.001-07:00

This rug designer was just featured on Apartment Therapy and they deserve it. Check them out. Yes, I am drooling. Area rugs and hardwood floors evoke an emotional response in me like that of receiving a luscious kiss, eating fresh fruit dipped in chocolate or napping in a hammock in summer.

Sigh.

What I want

2010-07-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

I want to start over. Get rid of everything besides my husband, our cat and our sweet coffee tables, desk and computer, the few things I truly love, and live in a small one bedroom or studio and save and find a new career and live the way I feel called.

That's what I want to do.

A Next Step

2010-06-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Matt and I are applying to be a part of a non-profit company (as mentioned in a few posts down) that ministers to residents within the complex of apartment living.

We (Art's Way Group) prayed about it last night, and I received a packet in my e-mail about the next steps of the application and it is a lot to process. In this packet are more details about the job description, what they expect of you and the specifics of what they mean by ministry.

As I read it I'm pondering whether there is any way I will be able to have a part-time job, pursue art, caring for the home and do this job too. I fear we won't have enough income if I stop working altogether. I believe that God will provide for us if this is His will, and we're trying to find that out by applying and pursing the ministry position, yet I've struggled with relying on God to provide money. I fear Matt's income won't suffice for our needs if we get this position. I also fear that if it looks like I need to work I'll be unhappy, overly stressed, unable to pursue the other things I believe God is asking me to cultivate and go bananas!

Plus, this role is all about intentionally creating relationships to share the gospel with others. The intentional part is not my strongest asset, because I'm an introvert, so meeting new people usually makes me close up instead of open up. I do enjoy organizing events and planning and administrative work, but I have no idea how to reach someone with different interests than me - especially within the sports realm.

So, let me speed up what I'm trying to say.

I'm overwhelmed.

Please, please, pray for Matt and I as we read through, weed through our own thoughts, concerns and fears, and pray through and fill out all this stuff.

I NEED U

2010-06-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so generally speaking, people who work out are usually happier, sleep better, have more energy, weigh less, have less health issues, AND have more fun between the sheets. I could have that with this body that moves and stretches and has muscles - and I'm supposed be greatful for all this by taking care of it- so why in the hell do I consistently post-pone exercising????

Work-out, let me be frank.

I need you. I need you to kick my butt. I need you to help me stay energized. I need you.

WORK OUT I NEED YOU. I NEED WORKING OUT.

Just like I need the dishes done and the bed made and my Bible and Journal time, I NEED MY WORK OUT.

I've been a mistress to my pillow and my work and my "oh I hurt", but workout I'm ready to be faithful.

Kick my butt okay?

And, please, please don't injure me in the process.

Prayer Request

2010-06-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

Today, Matt and I are beginning our application to work with this ministry. Pray for us.

We feel led to do this for a variety of reasons, but when it all comes down to it, it must be God who opens the door. Pray for peace, no matter what the results of our knocking.

Itchy

2010-06-14T01:09:00.000-07:00

It is 1:10 am and I'm sitting at my computer, so tired but unable to sleep because all parts of my body itch, I think it is a reaction to the Bactrim that a doctor prescribed for me when I went in with some folliculitis on my neck about a week ago.

Most of the rash is gone but my skin is crawling and I cannot sleep. Its so frustrating- I'd like to itch my skin right off. Tomorrow, no Bactrim.

I'm also wondering if perhaps, because I forgot to take it for two days straight, I am now having a worse reaction. I remember my skin kinda crawling the first time I took it, and I remember my muscles really cramping up. Who knows- I'm not a pharmacist- but I do know that I took a Bactrim shortly before bed at 10:30 and now it is past 1 am in the morning and I cannot sleep.

:*(

A Star Warrior

2010-06-11T12:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at the dining table at the home of a friend, a sister. The sun is trying hard to throw rays through the cloud covered sky while through the window I see chipmunks running happily through the beautiful garden, their small happy movements say thank you for our home. A bird alights on the Burgundy tree and its branch moves up and down by the weight of this small creature. I'm in my childhood town visiting my friend before she leaves on a 2 year mission with the Peace Corps. She's going to Swaziland to teach about HIV/AIDS, the country who has the highest rate of AIDS in Africa.

It'll be the longest time she's been gone from home and likely one of the most challenging, yet fulfilling experiences she'll have. Like marriage, having children, or changing careers she waits in unanswered anticipation because in two weeks everything will be different and there is only so much you can prepare. She has the gear and we've made sure the solar shower doesn't leak and the solar charger does charge, that she has enough clothes and enough toiletries to last for a few months. It is interesting because she knew she wanted to join the Peace Corps, but it was a surprise to her that Swaziland became an option.

I recently read that it isn't wrong to dream, and it isn't wrong to go for those dreams, but when you shake the apple tree do not be surprised if you receive oranges. Her life and experience certainly exposes this sweet truth (no pun intended). Indeed having known her for almost our whole life we've seen each other change. From the marine biologist photographer she's become a social worker, who loves caring for others, travel, and of course the expanse and adventure of the oceans waves- Swaziland is yet another step to her journey.

I think for me, when I see her journey, I see two specific things at play, choice and God's sovereignty. She's made choices based on things she loves and her own talents and God has opened the doors for her to make effective change, both with others and internally. My hope and my prayer to her, as she follows this path is first, that she may go, as Joseph did, with strength and courage into the land of the foreigners. Additionally, when times are difficult or hard, or both, she will know there is a purpose to her story.

Much love friend- blessings on your journey.

(If you want more information or wish to follow her story, click here)

Fuzzy Morning

2010-05-10T12:27:00.001-07:00

I hate getting out of my warm, cozy bed knowing I have to leave the house for work(although…the company I work for is wonderful, as far as companies go…I just feel drained every day talking, talking, talking).

In the morning, 30 seconds to 5 minutes from when my alarm goes off my cat, Bombadil, jumps up and cuddles against me as I lay semi-conscious in bed. He loves lying on top of the covers, on top of my chest and it is comforting to hear his purring. He’ll stay there until I get out of bed. When I finally remove the warm covers and begin my morning routine he transitions from my bed to my shoulder and stays there until I put him down. It’s only when I turn around in the bathroom to start the shower that he leaves my side.

This morning, he put his soft, fuzzy head against my cheek and just kept it there while I gently stroked his neck, head and shoulders- he laid there content, happy and purring. I love it so much it almost hurts.

Lord, thank you for my fuzzy creature who gently loves me as I prepare for my 8-5.

Upbeat

2010-04-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

We're on the verge of a breakthrough, perhaps because of crying out and praying and laying my heart out to the God. Whatever the case, I feel better after being true and allowing my disappointment to be disappointment, not masking it by false smiles and empty attempts at positivity.

Babies

2010-04-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

I read this blog regularly. A friend of a friend. If you love children and care about their well being or are or want to be a parent, please read her post here about an experiance she had that is heartbreaking, yet eye opening and then pray for the babies and love on yours.

Jess

Truth on April Fools

2010-04-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

Lunette Menstral cups are FDA approved! This means you can actually order one in the US without wondering if someone is going to come find you and chastise you for trying to be a good consumer, care for the environment and care for your body too.

If you are a women and want a simpler, cleaner, economical, environmentally friendly and GREAT product to use for your period days instead of uncomfortable tampons and chunky pads, you may well want to consider buying one of these. Three years ago I did and I've never been happier with my period. Check them out here. It seems funny I'm talking about it, but its one of those great purchases that I cannot stop endorsing. I've always hated my period and now I barely notice I have one.

Congratulations to Lunette, but truly, congratulations to all the women out there who will benefit from your great product!

Art is Competition, or is it?

2010-03-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marks the second official meeting with a group of women who have determined to walk through the book the Artist Way together.

I am blown away.

So beautiful and organic are our conversations that I’ve been touched deeper than by a paid counselor. The Holy Spirit is working. God’s truth about who He is making me is beginning to show up- the scratch ticket of my life, the one I actually win and it is exciting and scary.

I’m angry and sad too, grieving inside for my small child soul, who even at the age of six and seven weighed her strengths with those around her, one who compared herself with close siblings and peers. So ingrained is this practice that comparison defines me, limits me and lies, telling me I’m mediocre at best.

I’m average height, average weight, average skills and average job. I hate being average- but I feel it’s my destiny. Beauty is beyond my physical bounds, pretty will do. Being able to dance gracefully and seamlessly is a lost art I should have pursued as a child or young adolescent, now everything hurts so dancing is out of the picture- does a gym membership suffice? And, at least I’m paying the bills, isn’t that the point of working?

I think back to my childhood and I hear a censor in my head explaining vividly that my sisters sing stronger and clear than I, that the music I make is not beautiful and that my chance to move gracefully on the floors was lost because my desires to learn were not important. I hear a censor telling me that there is something wrong with me because I could not read in first grade, and so instead of reading I learned how to draw.

At age 7 in kindergarten when I shoved my homework assignments under other kids’ paperwork, so no one would see my answers, and cheated off other kids’ tests because I couldn’t read, I joined a coloring contest and lost. During that contest I had felt inspired, like I was creating something beautiful and worthwhile, I lost. Mediocre I told myself and at age seven, I silently vowed I would learn to draw beautifully- to be the best.

One of the deep seated problems I’m beginning to see between art and I, is that I have made it, above and beyond creativity, a competition. I’ve had a chance to dance ballet and Irish step dancing, I’ve had good output in visual art when I pursued it and I have a bachelor’s in drama, but none of that seem to be good enough to me. I’m not the best, I’m only mediocre.

It is ironic that I hate mediocrity, yet I’m willing to live a mediocre life instead of delve creatively into the work I believe God would like me to do. Fear of failing to impress other and not live up to the highest standards (my standards are likely much higher than anyone else’s for me) is tying me up to a mediocre life. I tell myself, why try if I know work will be sub-par? Literally, it is a vicious circle.

Yesterday, nearing the end of our group one of the women mentioned that it seems that, more than anything the creativity in each of us is being attacked by the enemy. She said that it does make sense since Satan, ultimately wanted to be the creator, to be God.

This hit me harder than I expected. At hearing this thought, I weep in anger and grief and also relief. I’m angry because it hurts to have pieces of my heart stolen. It hurts to know that there is an enemy who is trying to steal my desire to walk in who God has created me to be. I grieve because I know, living in the lies that the enemy has instilled in me has mangled many creative cells and lost valuable years in my creative life. And I feel relief, freedom, knowing that it is not just me that has failed, but that there is a greater force speaking lies to me. Knowing this, allows me to believe that if there is an evil force, there is its counterpart: the all good, all loving part that I can run to and find healing in- God.

So today…I’m weepy. Feeling tired (I didn’t have much rest last night) but good. I’m feeling a healthy death begin to take hold and I’m eager for more.

Kiss Me!

2010-03-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm Irish (recently I found out I'm in the fourth generation Scottish/Irish on my Dad's side) and almost forgot my green today.

But innovation stuck with me...

Safety Pin

Tape

Granola bar box

Printed four leaf clover

Glue

Here is a view of my handy work from the back.

From the front

Happiness is an Irish girl

Today

2010-03-09T14:13:00.001-08:00

Today, I woke up at 5:50 am to my alarm. After turning off the radio Fuzz (my cat) jumped onto the bed and laid on me, his usual routine. He loves being snuggled up close to me early in the mornings and won’t budge until I do- it makes me want to stay under the warm covers. Oh Fuzz, you are so cute in the mornings!

At 6:05 I stumbled out into the living room, which is chaotic right now full of empty bookcases and books sprawled all over the room because of a recent trip to Ikea that resulted in bringing home four various sized Billy, black-brown bookcases (finally, our bookcases match!), and cleared a spot to do my morning stretches. I used the Ergoscue method and it has been a life saver for my sore neck, shoulders and right ankle (I’ve had trouble with my peroneal tendon). Basically, the stretches relax me as I lay on the floor for about 50 minutes allowing gravity do its thing, readjusting my alignment. Our friend Paul calls them the lazy man’s stretches. So, if you need to stretch in the early hours I suggest using the Ergoscue method because who wants to put forth effort in the morning? You might as well gently doze and stretch at the same time.

(By the way, we chose the Billy bookcases over the prettier ones for the combined goodness of height, storage room, versatility and cost, and in a month or two we’ll be purchasing doors. We mostly used gift cards for them- I’ll post pictures at some point, when we’re done getting things back in order)

Once ready for the day Matt took me to work with a quick stop for coffee and a scone. The morning half of work went by like me sliding down an icy driveway- fast.

This afternoon I need to finish up a bunch of paperwork, Matt will pick me up, we’ll get home, eat dinner, feed the cat, then I’ll drop him off at guys prayer group and jet over to the U-village for tea with Steph then home again where, perhaps I can tackle the laundry from the weekend (we had a GREAT weekend by the way), go work out and then fall into bed (yes, I know one shouldn’t workout before bed, but there is nowhere else to throw the exercise today, isn’t it good enough that I at least do it?).

Here is hoping that I keep quickly sliding down the icy workway.

Minute Monday, A Fray in the Eye

2010-03-08T09:07:00.001-08:00

Today I'm writing about a menial strife maker in my life. That’s right, the aglet. This is not a vindictive nickname for my husband, my cat or one of my co-workers; this is a piece of plastic or metal at the end of a shoelace enabling the lace to run smoothly through the eyelet (the little holes in your shoe where the lace goes through).

It seems that my aglets will last only a few months before they pop off and create a frayed end resembling the mop tops of Fraggle Rock. While I do like Fraggle Rock, having one of them as the tip of my shoelace is illogical and frustrating. Imagine trying to shove Wembley, head first, through an eyelet, he wouldn’t like it and you would feel bad trying to grab at his hair.

So, to save the frayed Fraggle heads from being pinched and pulled through my eyelet, I've learned that a small piece of packing tape wound around the frayed lace end works as a useful, temporary solution until I can make it to store for another set of laces.

A Short Whine

2010-03-03T09:40:00.001-08:00

My desires are to live outside of someone asking me to follow their schedule and make them rich. Money is a frustrating thing- why money? I feel like I've been working my hands off trying to pay rent. No equity just living day to day in a place that has sky-high rent and mediocre jobs. I'm tired of it.

I know God says when we are good stewards of a little he gives more and Matt and I are really trying- we are.

Its just that I want to me a mom sooner than later, care for household dutes, spend some spare time when I have it painting or dancing or making great food for people. But this 8-5 plus 1/2 there and back is crap. I understand why working my 8-9 jobs i've gained weight, forgot what I like doing and hardly have time to clean.

I'm not saying I don't work for a good company (they are at the top of this list in everyway for their industry in this city)- I'm just saying that I feel a miles away from where I feel I would like to be.

So how do I get there....?

Lil' Update

2010-03-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

It was a quite day at work despite being the main office staff. I hope that will be the general atmosphere for the rest of the week since I'm flying solo again, possibly tomorrow and definitely Thursday and Friday.

Meanwhile, I'm contemplative tonight and I need to buy groceries and then unwind.

Matt and I have a lot of choices we'll need to make in the next year and a lot of hard work involved with those choices. It's exciting and overwhelming.

Pray for us if you think about us.

Meanwhile, here are some pics.

The couch drawing....

Progress (I actually have the three bottom cushions done already...so this is just a sneakpeak)

And a picture of Bombadil, aka, "The Fuzz"

Minute Monday

2010-03-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Where did “OrganizingLu” originate?

One of my nicknames for my twin is Lula. When we were little I was a neat-nick and she wasn’t concerned with being tidy so sharing a room was wrought with frustration. Then, in our adulthood (about 4-5 years ago) I had this idea of owning an organizing company and manufacturing company that made cool, functional organizating pieces. Essentially, a company that would help to “organize you”.

I mixed the idea of “Organize you” with “Lula” and came up with OrganizingLu or O Lu.

As of now, no further movement has been done regarding the company idea (since I have about 20 new business-life ideas each week) but the name stuck.

A Long Ponder

2010-02-25T16:04:00.001-08:00

I’m feeling rather melancholy today. Perhaps that is because I had to sit under a dentist drill for three hours on Wednesday and now I am going back today, or maybe its because tonight I really have to bunker down and clean my apartment, or perhaps it is something more deep- the effects of reading friend’s blogs and seeing people on face book- a place that encourages connection while at the same time encourages non-committal, pseudo community.

I’m thinking today of my friends from the past who I now rarely, if ever, have the opportunity to spend time with or hear from; because of distance or time or life. Specifically the friendships that shaped how I currently view friendship, God and the way interaction should be- mostly women and some men, who are dear to me and made a specific impact in my life from Spokane, TWU and Alaska. (Those that currently come to mind are: Jess and her family, Anne, Monica, Glenda, Joli, Shawna, Rob and his family, Brad, Amy, Angela, Sarah, Stacy, Karen, Heather, Tiff, Marina, Steve and his family, Bekah, Amos and Rebbecca).

I once had a student mentor at TWU say there are friends for a season, friends for a reason and friends for life. Placing friends in the season, reason and life boxes is not something I willing want to do, for fear of isolating later opportunities, but I do believe these wonderful people have been in my life for a reason.

I’ve struggle with separation from relationships. That, I think, is normal since our desire to be loved and love are eternally connected, and people are all a part of that. Yet, as I look back at my own friendship pattern, when friendships died, it was painful for me- perhaps more than the average person.

I think the fact that my biological father was absent for the majority of my life has had a tremendous impact on my ability to feel loved when in a relationship, but more specifically, when a relationship is strained or ending ( by the way I use relationship in a large context included boyfriend, best friend, good friend, comrade, etc) words like abandonment, unlovable, uninteresting, unworthy and unimportant, come to mind (The plan truth is that all those people in my past have other things that they are called to do by God in their lives, and the pain I experience, while some of them may have unintentionally hurt me, is primarily do to myself).

What I have been realizing over the last few years is that none of these adjectives (unimportant, unlovable, uninteresting, unworthy…etc) are me, or the way my friends may have viewed me but are the lens through which I see myself (am I getting too philosophical?). I’ve struggled with my own abilities and talents and feeling like all those things, that make me, could just as well not exist- and yes that sounds suicidal, but I’m not done.

Before I was born my mom was going to abort me- her life sucked and having another kid was not in her plan- but God revealed to her that she was indeed pregnant with twins and she decided to keep the babies because she couldn't’t bare to give up two lives. She told my sister and I this story when we were about 12 or 13 years old. Not only have I realized that my twin sister is the most amazing gift in my life, but when I become self depreciating and unloving toward myself, I realize that I’m a gift too. Without the other neither of us would exist. But even more, without God’s prompting, again neither of us would exist. God wanted me to exist. God must have a plan.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a hope and a future.' " (Jeremiah 29:11)

It is easy for me to say that and it seems like a simple concept. Yet wondering what I've been doing wrong is one of the foremost thoughts in my mind. I’m working what feels like a dead end job, and I’m usually frustrated at my living situation or my husband. My dreams for being creative, having a family and owning a home with a garden a dog and .75 of a cat (that's a joke) seem so far away.

I the problem, which as you read may be incredibly apparent to you, is that I have a problem trusting that God's plan for me is what it should be. I barely trust the talents and things he's given me I cast them aside, unused- fear drives my complacency. Meanwhile, I have trouble ultimately trusting God's plans for me. But where I am is where should be, right? Should I not make the most of it?

Instead of making the most of it I end up getting stuck on me and then I start sucking- at least internally. Sucking all the good God truths out and replacing them with nasty self-depreciating words ending in the Jessica isn't worth it land.

So why does thinking of friends long ago make me come back to I’m actually a gift that God loves kind of determination?

Well, I think I’m realizing that everyone has their demons (and I’m not saying cute little animal-golden-compass demon), I’m saying the evil thoughts that pierce our souls. Those thoughts and feelings that Satan (who is real and COMPLETELY evil) throws into our path which become barriers for us, when we focus on them, they keep us from trusting in God and his goodness and sovereignty. My friends throughout these last 29.5 years of my life have been sweet, those friends I listed made me feel like someone special and in turn I think of them, pray for them, sometimes yearn for the comraderie.

Yet we all have a story a place to be. My friends who are now living throughout the world, many with families are not responsible for how I see me. It isn't fair to hold on to each person because of my own fear or feeling of selfworth, just like it isn't good to hold onto a bunch of stuff, or eat food allt he time, or workout obsessively because you have an emotional hole and need something to make you feel good. My understanding of who I am, under the love and goodness of God, is how I should see me.

So, when I think of my friends, I've learned that they were gifts too, like my sister, in my life, perhaps for a reason, a season and some still, for life. God will determine that- I can rest my heart for them knowing they are being cared for by God and that my responsibility is first to love and know him.

Meanwhile, isn't it funny how I've often thought of myself as someone who is friendly or capable of great relationship, yet know my great friend, father and creator so little?

Churches Helping Churches, now in Haiti

2010-01-25T08:14:00.001-08:00

http://churcheshelpingchurches.com/index.php/media/

Colossians 3 is Dreamy

2010-01-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I had a vivid dream. I was driving down the Bothell hwy, toward Kenmore, where the highway passes Ballinger way and begins turning around the north side of the Lake Washington. The landscape was dismal because, in my dream there had been a flood a few days prior and although the road was clear, much of the pavement was washed out, and only its outline could be seen. I remember it being bleak, and the sky was overcast, and I kept wondering why no one was following the general line of the road, but driving more haphazardly close to the edge of the lake. Instead of following the road I just followed everyone else, and I remember being really unhappy about it.

I must have been traveling to a dinner party because my dream flashed from the road to a meeting in someone’s home. Specifically, I was being introduced to three people, two of which I have no memories, but the other was a tall younger man, with long hair pulled into a ponytail and he had an earthy appearance. He looked straight at me and the first thing he said, “You don’t fear God,” to which I shocked and offended, replied, “Yes I do, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” In my dream our introduction really bothered me and I began wondering if, indeed I did not fear God.

Again, the dream flashed to a different scene, and I was sitting in the same house with friends and the new people I'd met, eating dinner. The earthy young man and a girl and another guy where arguing about what Colossians 3:1 says. They argued for about 20 minutes each trying to recite the verse, competing to be right. By the time the earthy guy was convinced he’d won the argument, I was infuriated. All of a sudden, I grabbed my plate and flung it like a Frisbee toward the small arguing group; it hit the wall and sent food sliding down to the carpet. Then, red in the face and shaking, I screamed, “I am so fucking mad at you! It’s not you It’s me, I am so mmmmaaaaddddddddd!”, and then I ran out, crying – upset at my own actions, for not being able to control myself and upset at the three people, especially the earthy guy, for not even attempting to look up the scripture.

From there, I ran to a park and cried, the sun had come out and by all accounts it looked like Spring outside. My brother-in-law Chris, came to me first and listened to me as I cried and expressed my sadness, shame and hurt over the situation and my actions. He listened to me and was kind. And then Jon, my husband’s good friend, who has also dealt with anger, approached me with tears in his eyes and gave me a big hug and told me it was okay, that sometimes it is hard to control your emotions. I was okay, forgiven and accepted despite my poor actions.

That was my dream.

What is real though, is that recently I’ve been having problems controlling my anger. I can go from zero to one hundred, emotionally, in an instant and its scary to know that my sinful nature can be so intense and hurtful. In those times I’ve felt helpless and unlovable. I’ve felt that perhaps it would be better if God didn’t love me, that perhaps what people say about just trying to survive is really the only way.

But those are lies, they aren’t true.

I finally did look up Colossians 3:1. This is what it says:

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God."

See, over the last six months I’ve been challenged, by some amazing women, to believe in God’s sovereignty and trust in his plan for my life, but I’ve been really struggling as I single-handedly try controlling my circumstances and the future of me and my husband. I’ve believed the lie that if my life is this way, or that way (like following the other people traveling near the edge of the Lake), my life will be filled with joy.

The truth is, I’ve been holding onto some deep seated desires that while not wrong, are becoming an idol, not allowing God to work as the awesome, amazing God he is. I’ve tried to throw him in at the last minute like trying to salt meat after it has been cooked. If you add salt before you cook meat it brings out the natural flavor and juices, but adding salt once meat is cooked just makes it taste salty.

It seems that my fear of God has been locked in a closet, and left to linger in my heart room are all my worries, anxieties and fears. These were controlling me, and I was not able to control my anger, a direct product of not “seeking the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right had of God.” In Colossians three, verse five through ten, Paul directly writes about idolatry:

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

While the earthy guy in my dream wasn't perfect. He reminded me of what I'm like, trying to understand God's sovereignty when, truthfully, I've been so unwilling to look into his precious word. Perhaps when I screamed about being angry and said, "Its not you, its me," the holy spirit was calling me, chastising me to come to God through the scriptures.

And then of course, the conclusion of my dream where Chris and Jon were so kind and forgiving to me, is also echoed in Colossians 3: 11-14

Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

Yet, my story isn't completed. This weekend I had a deep and wonderful, real life experience where I was able to experience what Colossians 3:16-17 says:

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Last Friday I was spontaneously invited by my friend Kate to attend a women's retreat in Suncadia, a resort in the Cascade mountain range. Not only was I invited, but my boss allowed me to leave early from work and someone else paid a scholarship for me.

Like the serene snow covered forests and mountains that surrounded the lodge, my heart was met by the Holy Spirit and through his love that flows in so many of the women that attend Mars Hill. I was challenged again, to seek God in his word, and to live and trust in his sovereignty. Words cannot describe my gratitude toward God for leading me to that place and giving me that great gift of spending time "singing Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs" and being blessed by "teaching and admonishing" by Christian sisters.

So, the weekend is over and the dream has passed. Yet I can feel God calling me, and I remain humbled and grateful for God's perfect timing, my gratitude, awe and fear of the one God is being filled and charged. I am laying down my pride and picking up his word. And, as I read Col 3 again, I am back again, in a love affair with God.

I guess, Colossians 3 is dreamy.

Home is waiting!

2010-01-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

Work is almost done and I'm looking forward to tonight. I'll hopefully have a short cycle at the Y and then head home to be home and cook greek stew and be at home and perhaps do some home things.

Have I ever mentioned that I like being home? Yes, yes I do.

Also, Matt and I went throught a bunch of boxes we hadn't looked in since we packed them last April, and we found the camera cord!

That means, pics of:

The cat
The couch progress
Matt's and Jordan's handy-dandy linen closet insert

YAY!

I'll put 'em up by this weekend.

THIS YEARS GOALS

2010-01-13T13:52:00.000-08:00

When do I squeeze in a moment to write? That's my question. And when do I squeeze in a moment to paint or draw? That's another of my questions.

I already have a few goals established: 1. Get in the physical shape I want (I'm thinking Star shaped) and 2. pay off my loan by 2010.

For goal 1. I've joined the Y near my house and its wonderful. I love working out becuase it only involves the use of my body and some general use of my brain like (lift, kick, cycle, walk- keep the heart rate up, okay...slow it down, 20 more minutes, etc), and then my brian gets a break. Plus, there are TV's at the Y on a number of the machines which means I can watch cool shows while I work out. I always thought this was dumb, but its totally GREAT when you don't have cable. Yay!

For goal 2. Matt and I are plugging, plugging away at the debt and its encouraging and also hard...but I see light at the end of the tunnel, yes I do.

I have more goals though...its just trying to figure out how to accomplish them, when to squeeze them in. Should I sacrifice a night with friends or weekend with family to write (3) and paint (4)?

So for goal 3. (writing) I'm gonna try blogging a little more, it keeps me accountable to the other goals I have and gives me an avenue to write (BTW, I'm pretty sure my writing needs some technical love, so a friends of mine is looking into a writing class for us to take together. Hmm...perhaps I DON'T have to sacrifice as much friend time).

Meanwhile, there are areas where I have been creative. Currently, I'm repurposing some material I found at Goodwill as upholstery for a hand-me-down couch I received from a friend, and its turning out well.

Thus, for goal 4 (visual artistry- sounds good huh?), I've been encouraged from many people in all areas of my life to start pursuing this more intentionally. So, now my question is, does painting a wall in my apartment count?

A mini story

2009-12-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

I fell down a short set of concrete stairs on Sunday and whacked my head resulting in a minor concussion, which foreshadowed the 5 second seizure. All these components put together, with the day's intent to visit Kyra completely SHOT (SADNESS!), equals hours waiting in the ER to be seen for five minutes and teeth that really hurt (apparently during the seizure I really clamped down!). Additionally, my WHOLE body hurts and I'm soooooooo rediculously tired that I can sleep on the floor at work.

How's that for a lame three days.

I'm just glad I didn't have to be in anyone's wedding.

THINGS I LIKE- HOME

2009-10-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

When I think of things I like, I immediately envision my home. While the list below in not an exact list of my current home, it does include the things I’ve like about other people’s homes that I want to incorporate into mine. Also, not listed- but above all of these is clean. I love clean homes.

Relaxing-spa like bathrooms
Bright kitchens
Clutter-free workspaces, hallways and walkways
Crown molding
Plants
Fireplaces
Wood floors
Great color schemes
Strong, simple and comfortable furniture
Soft rugs
Organized storage areas
Portraits and paintings
Inviting bedrooms
Organized closets
Warm blankets
Large windows
Painted walls
Curtains
Limited knick-knacks
Textures
Hidden and simple electronics
Great kitchen equipment
Plenty of counter space
Natural lighting during the day
Soft lighting at night

FACE LIFT

2009-10-27T10:10:00.001-07:00

I think my blog needs a new look.

And, coming soon:

Some furniture/decorating projects and pictures of our new cat.

Trees

2009-10-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

It has been raining here for the past four days and with the rain the autumn leaves fall harder to the ground. The rain has scatter leaves all over the sidewalk on the eastside of the building where I work. The trees, whose leaves now provide a carpet for the sidewalk, are some of my favorites. I’ve enjoyed watching the movement of these trees and the way their colors and shapes change with the seasons. They have slender, tall trucks that reach at least fifteen or twenty feet before sending out their branches. While I’m driving or walking to work these beautiful trees look like colorful clouds, soft and full. When the wind blows their leaves lightly rustle, shimmering and sending out a sweet, comforting sound. Being near them almost makes me forget that I live and work in the city.

There is surely something peaceful about the plants that God has created. The backdrop of our busy lives are filled with these beauties, but to experiance them we must stop watching our feet, and send our eyes heavenword.

PAPA SLEEPS

2009-10-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sleep well and rise soon
For the moon is still shining
And while you sleep,
May we join you
On your bed of peace?

Father, show us
How to love when
Love is not received

No, we must stay
And live among the dead
Who pine their life away
On riches that our sleeping friend
Never asked for nor believed

Father, show us
How to love when
Love is gone to play

The stars they brightly shine
And I weep,
Your hands no longer mine,
For the Fall has come and sunshine’s gone
Only moonbeams light the way

Father, show us
How to love when love
In sleep must be

Oh, father and good friend
Sleep well and rise again;
And bring the sun with you

Ug

2009-09-11T12:15:00.001-07:00

Today is hard for some reason....ugh.

Papa Tears

2009-09-03T16:43:00.001-07:00

Its been a little less than a year since I saw Papa, and I'm missing him badly this week. A lot of emotions I've held down for some time are beginning to swell- and that's ok. I'm letting them come.

I've been imagining that there is a little space ship I can jump into and go visit him whenever I want, but I can't do that. Besides, my husband pointed out, that if I could do that, and I reached Heaven, I'd probably want to stay there and not return to earth.

Oh to have no Papa here, and to have to wait for an unknown time to be re-united.

I just want a Papa bear hug.

...Father, God, our creator, show me how you are my father.

Eames gains weight

2009-08-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

Wow...check it out...

Defeat

2009-08-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today I feel defeated. Someone I know (not close to me) joked about something that might not be a joke, and if its true- the small secret is going to cost a lot of people discomfort, most of all me. Although their little joke may just have been a joke, the possibility is still pretty hard to think about.

Aside from the 'little joke' there is another catalyst for my distress. It is five years of employment in Customer Service coupled with an absent desire to work as a thespian. I don't regret my bachelor's degree, but I have different desires now. I've had people in the past try to give advice about my employment, such as: "Hang in there, its just a season," or "You get to talk to people all day, that's easy," "At least you have a job," or "Sales and Customer service is really fun." The thing is, its been a long season, I am an introvert, the best experience I've had recently was being unemployed, and my work is taxing. The reality is the 'advice' others often give is based on their own perspective of what I do. It isn't addressing my heart, because the truth is, my heart is really heavy and tired of carrying the financial burden of two people by working 40 hours a week doing something that makes me feel like I was run over by a train.

I've been thinking a lot about making life changes, or going to school for some kind of design, systems management, or analyst (I'm narrowing my interest here). However, there are so many what ifs and risk factors and "I don't knows". (AKA questions like: What job would I like? Would I have to take out loans? How could I survive working and going to school? What if Matt keeps going through job ups and downs, how will we be cared for? Do I have what it takes? Will I be able to work in what I enjoy? When should we start having children? If/when we have children, can I still work, if I do who takes care of the babies? Do I really want to start a career, or would I just like to be a mom and wife? If I was a mom and wife only, would Matt care for us? What does God want? Am I submitting to God and his will?). I want to know, know that it will all work out. My desire to know, to be certain, is a point of weakness for me- I think it is holding me back. I'm not someone who shies away from change or confrontation, but I do shy away from uncertainty.

The two sides of my brain are screaming at each other and there is no resolution. Anxiety for tomorrow mixed with resentment toward today is making me crazy. Yet I do feel a bit of calm when I go back to God and trust in his sovereign power over this world, and my life. When I realize that God is the point, not me. On the same token, I do know that I am his child, that he wants to best for me, and wants me to trust him in my weaknesses- but its hard, and today I'm feeling defeated on that front.

Oh Lord, you know my heart. Help me rest in your unchanging love and goodness, give me the strength and persistence to go forward, even in the mist of discomfort. Show me the way and help I and Matt follow your path. Give me clarity on the next step and lead me to take those risks where fear has disabled me.

Sadness

2009-07-30T09:33:00.001-07:00

The island on one of our favorite swimming lakes was engulfed in flames.

Sadness...

Blessed

2009-06-07T12:47:00.002-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about my life, and realizing that I am truly blessed.

To a lot of people the basement room I currently live in doesn't make sense. It is true that I would love to have my own apartment or own a house, but through this experience I am learning. Of course the main goal right now is to pack some money away and pay off debt, but by living here, I think I'm grasping a tiny bit of the meaning of humility. Plus, I have a house over my head, food to eat and kind people to live with. I am blessed.

Also, complications with my Mother's heath have recently surfaced. She's been having small strokes that are likely connected to a fallacy in her heart and/or blood. I cannot even express her strength. My mom is truly one of the bravest people I know. When an important person in in my life experiences pain, and the possibility of death, my life comes into sharper focus. I love and respect my mother. She is one of my best friends and to be able to say that I have her as my mother I am blessed beyond measure.

I don't think there is any other way to put it.

Blessed.

2 more days

2009-05-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm moving soon.

Saturday.

Along with some friends who will be helping with the transition, anxiety seems to want to be my new (unwelcome) best friend. Please pray for me. I've been having some anxiety that is making for a unfocused day at work, a hard time breathing, and a desire to sleep everything away.

Matt and I know this is the right decision...but it's also hard, so please pray.

Thanks.

Busy Bee

2009-05-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

Since Matt went to Alaska I've barely had enough time to cook toast. I have been really busy, packing and sorting and planning and scrubbing. Tonight, I'll scrub again. The place I'm moving into needs a lot of TLC. A lot. I'm pretty sure it hadn't been really clean since they built it as an addition to the already large split level home- so I'll clean until it sparkles, then Saturday, I'll make it gleam and shine with new pretty paint.

I think a lot of people wonder why I would put so much effort into a room that I may only live in for six months; in a house that will some day be demolished. For me, I think it can be broken down into four principle reasons; rest, peace, beauty, and worship.

I want the confortable, warm feeling of my home (whether it is a small room or a ten bedroom house) to convey the feeling that I and my guests know they are cared for; I want it to say kick your shoes off and rest. Peace, is a bi-product of this, and for me, working full time, my home needs to provide a sense of peace. A place I come to and wind down. Also, painting a room and making it shine adds value, and I believe, evokes respect. Finally, for me, when I am caring for my home, and re-decorating from the inside out, I believe I am worshiping God for his provision; being a good steward of the gift of living in Seattle for only a few hundred dollars a month.

I will post before and after pictures.

And, if anyone wants to help paint- call me - the painting party is on Saturday.

Us and the Lil' Naked Purple Guy

2009-04-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at the desk blogging when I really should be cleaning out the fridge, doing the dishes and getting laundry completed.

The last few months have been pretty challenging- financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Matt and I have been trying to figure out how to crunch our buget without crunching our relationship and ruining dreams. Its been tough; like arm wrestling an opponent who's strength is your equal, who you feel will ultimately take you down. Defeat has not yet surface on our side of the match and because of that I am thankful.

About two weeks ago Matt and I made a big, bold decision. We decided to move. Matt would be moving to Alaska and I would be moving to a new place in Seattle. This move is almost purely financial. A friend of mine often says, "Time is money." While, I'm not sure I completely agree with this philosophy, I hope it rings true for the next five months of our time apart.

So here we are. Apart. I'm sitting in a half-packed house, and Matt's up in Alaska waiting for work to start.

To Matt: Love you honey. Thanks for sticking your neck out there and going north, alone as your prepare to take the step into the world of acedemics.

AND...my favorite picture of late...

Bye Babe! See you in June!

2009-04-25T08:36:00.001-07:00

Me

2009-04-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

I think I'm tired of not being an artist, and not feeling free in life to be just who I am, free in Christ and made in the image of the Creator.

I love...

Moving

Imagination

Observing

Nature

Dancing

Flexibility

Organizing

Patterns

Life

Laughing

Family

Friends

Food

Singing

Textures

Home

Color

Thinking

Cooking

Plants

Reading

Learning

Teaching

Dreaming

Strength

Stretching

Resting

...and I miss these things.

Work

2009-03-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about work. Everyone works. Marriage takes work. Some people are lazy and don't work, while other can't find work. To be healthy we need to work out. We work to play, and in our society to get enough time to play you often need to work to get there. No matter how its phrased, work seems like a four letter word.

My own experiances with employment (a form of 'work') have generally been difficult. I've been faced with challenging jobs; like daily filling a truck with 2" x 4" lumber, alone. I once drove a brand new ($500,000+) bus in the middle of the night, on a slick mud road for 90 kilometers, hoping I'd make it to my desination on time and in one piece. I've dealt with difficult people who want to lay hands on me and pray for my demons while at work, and bosses who have tried getting my approval to practice unethical buisness. I've had managers dehumanize me and co-workers scream and swear at me. Plus, in this economy just staying employed is tough.

I've also done physical work. As far back as I can remember I helped around the house- doing our household laundry, cleaning the house, and working in the garden with my mom and older sisters- our quarter acre garden! Working out has always been a challenge to me, and at some points in my life an impossibility- but that was more what I thought about myself, then what was real.

So what is real? As I think about it, I think work actually really means: persistance, patience, integrity, intelligence, strength, service, perseverance, wisdom, and worship. I think really, work is a gift. I'm sure it doesn't come naturally to me, and I'll be the first to vouch for my illhearted attempts at convincing myself, family, friends and employers that I always work well. For me, work becomes a good word when I realize that I am only here because of God's love. Thinking about it, really thinking about my depravity and redemption is humbling.

I think only the most humble people actually understand work. I think a lot about my Papa and my sweet Mum. When we were children they both worked, opposite shifts. They grew a big garden to feed us, and Papa spent hours sorting metal to sell as scrap just to make ends meet. Meanwhile, our mom worked almost 30 years in retail to care for us. Fall, Winter and Spring you'd often find Papa looking for free wood all over the city, just to keep us warm- they've worked harder than any two people I've met, yet I've NEVER heard either of them complain. I never heard them feel bad for themselves, wishing they had a better life, or were trained in something different.

The key, was that whatever work they were given to do, they did it joyfully, with gratitude.

If its working out, working to pay the bills, working out plans, or working toward a goal. Gratitude, giving thanks to God is key.

Laser Vision

2009-03-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

Another breaking news story hits the O Blog!

Talk about musical chairs. With the this family, its musical jobs. That's right folks, Jessica started her job last week, but, that's not all!

To celebrate, her husband's employer gave him the layoff boot- Congratulations Matthew! Now its time for you to velcroe those babies and hit the pavement.

Meanwhile, for extra income Jessica is working for a company that specilizes in zapping bugs with human laser vision. The truth comes out, she is a mutant afterall.

My Recipe

2009-02-26T09:27:00.001-08:00

So...I like making food, and I'm going to start posting something each Friday. You know, Friday, food day. But, I needed to share this with you while the memory of its savory flavours still linger.

Today, I was amazed at myself. I came up with my own recipe for turkey burgers. Until the third bite I hadn't realized what a gem I'd come across. Its a Turkey Parmesan Burger. Wonderful and wonderfully simple.

Here is the ROUGH recipe.

1 lb ground turkey thawed
1/2 finely chopped medium onion (or more if you like0
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tbsp parsley
1 tbsp oregano
1/2 cup breadcrumbs ( i believe mine are whole wheat)
1 can diced tomatoes with oregano basil and thyme
Parmesan cheese
Slice of bread
Salt and pepper

1. Mix first 6 ingrediants plus salt and pepper (probably 1/4-1/2 tsp salt and whatever looks good for pepper on your side) and cook like a burger (or broil in the oven). While you are cooking add a bit more salt and pepper.
2. Pop open the tomatoes and get them simmering (keep it on low while you do the rest)
3. While their simmering and the patties are cooking a toast a slice whole wheat bread (1 per pattie)
4. After the toast has jumped, the pattie is done and hte tomatoes have finished getting warm stack'um together and make a toast, tomato sauce, turkey burger, tomatoes, parmesan sandwhich.

5. Eat and enjoy.

Crossroads

2009-02-16T12:09:00.001-08:00

I have two weeks of vacation.

Well, not really. I have two more weeks of unemployment before I start my new job. That's right, I interviewed last week for a position as customer service rep to a company near my home that exterminates unwanted creatures like bugs, rodents and birds, and they offered me the job. I start the first week of March. They are paying me well and I'm also going to have the opportunity to help them re-organize some of their internal business structure, which was the part of my last position I really enjoyed.

Unemployment has given me time to think about what I want and desire versus what might be coming my way. What I mean is that I have a specific ideal of what life looks like based on my culture, my upbringing, and my preferences. When my life begins to look different than this, or the arrow starts turning in the opposite direction, my throat closes up and I want to scream and throw things. With the help of my dear friends and family and Christ, I am beginning to realize that the plans God has for me look much different then my own imagination can conjure.

However, I still find myself at a crossroad. Recently, Matt and I received permission to move into his family's cabin in the fall, which means another big change (it’s in a different city). The pros include lower housing fees, and smaller school expenses. Plus, my Mom will be in the same city; studying as well (I’ll save that story for a different entry), and one of my sister’s and her son live there. The cons mean moving away from Seattle, where I'm finally feeling like I belong, and moving away from our group at church. It likely means putting off plans for starting a family, and waiting as Matt gains education with the hope that, through it, he'll be able to make enough money for us to live on, and we can start pursuing other things, like where we want to settle, starting a family, etc.

Where does that leave me? Patience, I'm realizing, is not my best virtue. Perhaps my degree in theatre helps make me look like a patient person, but under it all I'm not. I want things done and I want them done now! I have a great work ethic and can see what needs to be done, but because I’m not the one going to school, I’ll be waiting. And as mentioned before, patience is not my best virtue.

Which, thankfully, brings me to another thought- just because I will not be going to school, doesn’t mean there isn’t something for me. So, I’m also asking God to show me what he wants for me. If Matt goes to school, and finds an area of work that he wants to pursue, what should I be pursuing at the same time? Should I begin pursing theatre, or becoming a self-employed event planner? Maybe, I should fulfill my dream, and become a Pilates instructor. At this point, however, I think I’m done just heading toward stuff because I’m a determined person and by gum I know I can do it, and instead really praying and asking God for peace and confirmation and the right doors to open to show me where to go.

I know that God does give me choice, but I’m too good at making choices based on what I think is the right thing, instead of double checking that it is something both God and I agree on.

For instance, in my last job, I put way too much stock in the respect of my co-workers and my own reliability, instead of being ok pursuing something that incorporates creativity and beauty- two things that I love. In my life, I often put too much weight on my own capability to be responsible and get things ‘right’ the first time. I often haven’t stopped enough to rest and just be, to enjoy life. I’m praying that, through all the choices Matt and I are making, God will help me, guide me toward being who I am; A redeemed daughter, a princess, a bride. So that, no matter where I am geographically, or in what situations I find myself, I can be myself; a free, beautiful creation, loved and adored by the creator of the universe. To live as a woman that is capable of creating, teaching, and making beauty, and who isn’t afraid to experience the beauty and pain that is part of living in this world; a woman who sees eternity and who experiences the moment.

Prayer Requests

2009-01-14T10:26:00.001-08:00

Today I am at Mom's trying my best to be a good nurse. With the stress of loosing Papa and the inevitable of living on her own for the first time my dear Mum has been attacked with the recurrence of Herpes Zoster, a strand of Chickenpox known as Shingles.

If you've ever had Chickenpox you have the potential to have Shingles. Generally speaking, the chickenpox virus goes dormant and may never reappear, however, 1 of 10 people who've had chickenpox will have Shingles. The virus is thought to 'sleep' within the nervous system. When it attacks the nervous system in the form of Shingles the virus moves from its core, via the nerves, to the skin creating a large painful rash that can be felt to the core of the person. There is a rash, but there is much more going on inside the body. It is painful and can last for up to 5 weeks (or longer...but that's a different diagnosis and we're not there yet). Mom broke out about 1.5 weeks ago with the rash.

Right now she is sleeping- that's about all she has energy to do. She's nauseous, tired, has hot and cold sweats and generally in a LOT of pain, so please, please pray for her. In my 28+ years I have never seen my mom so disabled from normal life- which for her is all about being on the move. I know she needs rest, so I'm encouraging as much sleep as possible, but also pray that she will be able to eat. Food tastes pretty terrible to her, but she needs it to get healthy.

The good news is that for most people shingles does go away and doesn't cause life long problems, its just really puts a damper on life anywhere from three to five weeks. So please pray for her.

Additionally, I and Matt really need prayer. I'm out of work as most of you know and I'm feeling that I'm at a crossroads. Pray for us and our future, the- what, where, when, how. All these questions we're trying to figure out. So please, pray if you can, on our behalf.

I'm going to take a walk now. Mum is sleeping and I'm feeling a little lethargic.

Peace.

Christmas Picture

2009-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

New ideas...

2009-01-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

Thinking of a new blog idea. Real stories...a chance to remember... perhaps I'll post a link...but keep this one active too...hmmm...

A Cold Evening

2008-12-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

Its almost Christmas day and I'm playing with my thoughts. Thinking of snow ferries dancing in the frost, and childhood memories and dreams. Remembering Papa and all the things we did for Christmas. I'm wishing I could be lost in this winter wonderland as the snow crunches under my boots and the world is silenced by this peaceful white blanket. Adempting to catch the magic just a bit, I raise the corners of my mouth in a semi-happy grin. Things are looking up, but I'm feeling kind of down as I finish my last gifts alone tonight. Just wanting more than anything for someone to hold me, to lead me to a place of peace and security. Like laying down on a soft rug near the hearth while one arm is wrapped lovingly around a big friendly labrador retriever.

Yesterday's Snow

2008-12-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

The Today Show

2008-12-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was interviewed by the Today Show. That's right NBC's leading early morning show. They were at our church, Mars Hill, asking questions to members, pastors, etc. Matt and I happen to be there at the right time and since we're not camera shy, they spoke with us.

Apparently, in America there is a rise in church attendance. The Today Show is hoping to connect the economic down turn as the reason people are seeking steeples. They were even more excited to find someone like me, who was recently laid off, to ask those pointed questions.

Oh media, oh media- how I love and hate thee.

So, we answered their questions and went on with the day. However, I tend to over analyze everything. Even though I know my answers were truthful, their last question has haunted me. It went something like this:

"In what ways are you hoping your church will help you find a job?"

After mulling over my epectations of what church is about and why I go and what I expect to get from church I realized this: there is one primary reason why I continue to go to church, with a job or without a job. I go because I love Jesus. The role of the church, in my life, is to always point me back to the cross- to show me that Jesus is God's son, and that he made the ultimate sacrifice to save me from a life without God.

I do believe that understanding Christ's sacrifice for us, will encourage us to be givers of our resources, time, and talents, especially to those in need. But when I think about my expecations for how my church will help me- I fall hard on this thought: Above all, my church community must point me to God who will provide; either through people at church or other non-church-affiliated resources

Thus, to the Today Show, whether I have a job or don't, whether I'm rich or poor, if I'm well or sick, the primary thing I expect from my church, is a loving, kind hand that guides me back to Christ.

To our church: thanks for the prayers, the love, the giving and kindness you continue to show, and how always, always, always I am being pointed back to our great saviour.

Jessica's Test Kitchen

2008-12-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've heard that getting a great breakfast makes the rest of the day much better. While trying to figure out what that looks like I came across a recipe for oatmeal pancakes. The original recipe called for white flour and no wheat bran, so I've changed this to kick up the fiber (the long lasting element of whole grains). One of these pancakes keeps me going for at least five hours. Plus, they keep well in the freezer and its great to pop one in the microwave and have something warm and healthy in the mornings.

Please try this recipe and if there are ways you improve it, e-mail me and I'll try it- maybe even post the new version.

Oatmeal Pancakes
2 cups Milk
1 ½ cups Quick-cooking rolled oats
¾ cup whole wheat flour
¼ cup Wheat bran
¼ cup Wheat germ
2 Tbs. Brown Sugar
1 Tbs. Baking powder
½ to 1 Tsp. Cinnamon
½ Tsp. Salt
2 Eggs beaten
¼ cup Vegetable oil

1. In a bowl mix milk and rolled oats, let stand 5 minutes (about the amount of time it takes to get everything else ready)
2. In a separate bowl mix all dry ingredients: flour, germ, bran and sugar, baking powder, cinnamon and salt.
3. In another, separate bowl, beat eggs and oil.
4. Mix together: milk/oats, dry ingrediants, and beaten eggs/oil.Then add them and the milk/oat mixture (if thick just add a little more milk).
5. Cook 1/2 cup (1 cake) at a time on griddle and/or in frying pan at medium heat flipping the pancake when the surface becomes slightly porous.
6. Lay to cool on a baking sheet and freeze.

Makes about 10 pancakes.

Tips and ideas
*The cakes take about 6 min each to cook so it’s a good idea to have another kitchen task while you’re working on them.
* I keep thinking I need to add some vanilla extract, but I haven't purchased any from the store recently.
*When freezing I stick them in the freezer on a cookie sheet, single layer, for about 30 min to an 1 hour so they can have an initial freeze, quickly remove them and shove them in a plastic freezer bag then back in to the icebox. This way they don’t stick together, and it’s easy to pick only one out the next day for breakfast.
*We generally eat these with vanilla or plan yogurt and honey. Another yummy alternative is bananas and nutella, and other ideas include fresh fruit, cottage cheese, peanut butter, and of course maple syrup.

DAY 3

2008-12-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

After waking this morning I drove my husband to work then stopped at home depot for some hanging folders I've been meaning to buy for about five months. Now I have papers all over my livingroom. Mostly in organized piles, but there is a large recycle pile sitting there, hapazardly.

Today, as I've been working on the filing project and applying for jobs, I realized I don't miss MasterPress. I do miss a few of my co-workers, but realistically, that is about it.

I've also realized that being laid off, surprising as it was, may be the way God is confirming that it is time to move on. I had been applying to other places before the lay off. God, if that's the case, thanks for giving me an extra push.

Another thing to be happy about, because I was laid off I'll receive unemployment benefits. This means I get paid while I'm looking for work, which also means I will be able to squeeze in some last minute time with Jenn and other family during the holidays.

Anyway...this last weekend, before the layoff, I went to Whidbey Island and we visited Langley where Will bought some marbles (well, his mom bought some marbles). Currently, marbles happen to be his favorite object. We were taking pics and he specifically wanted us to take pictures of the marbles. So, for everyone's marble enthusiasm.

Here ya go.

IRONY

2008-12-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

When people start yelling or becoming defensive, when I'm embarassed, and when things start becoming illogical my immediate reaction is to find the humor.

So, its kind of ironic that my last post concerned a difficult coworker, and this post well...

Well, I was laid off of work today, and I guess I don't need to worry about the co-worker.

Yes, I'm in a national satistic, and yes- my employer just raised the national unemployment rate by at least ten people. I knew the downsizing was coming, I've been applying for other positions, but I really, really, really wanted an new job before I gave my notice.

I wanted to feel like I was leaving something, for something better. Yeah, I know, I know, I'm sure something better will come along, but so far its 3/3 of jobs in the last five years that I've had bad exist stories with.

Maybe I'm too romantic.

Sigh.

And...umm...

Say a prayer, k?

Irony is fading.

Coemployees

2008-12-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

I was reading an article on difficult co-workers. They said the following:

"Difficult people come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create."

The only other person in my department has ALL of these traits. I'm not kidding, all of them.

Work related conversations with this person are strained and tiring. I'm ok with confrontation, and have sternly and politely done so. I and other people have tried speaking with management about it. Management has spoken to them about it.

Sometimes it completely astounds me that many people really don't care. Or perhaps it is that they think they care, but they don't really know what love, kindness,repentance, forgiveness and change actually mean.

Hmmm...

SHARING THANKS: Simple Angels

2008-11-26T08:47:00.000-08:00

Today, I want to express my thanks to a few people that are not in my closest circle of friends and family but who have made a profound impact on me.

~ Brian- his kindness and thoughtfulness as a business acquaintance speak volumes. Everyone who works with him appreciates his enthusiasm and compassion. Recently he wrote, “… part of the beauty in life’s blessings is the ability to understand how good we have it even when we are in pain or suffering through a loss. The joy of life should be felt in every breath you take.” Thank you Brian for being willing to speak truth in the workplace where so many people are afraid to say something that could be taken offensively or inappropriately.

~Brenda, a co-worker whose humor, personality, and wisdom have truly touched my heart and moved me to love and humility. Thank you for sharing your life and being willing to listen to mine as I find out what it means to follow God while loving others. Next to my Mom, you are one of the strongest women I’ve know.

~Jeff, the first person I met who was willing to think about art within a Biblical perspective both in mainstream culture and in Christian culture while not compromising the need for quality. Thank you for being curious and thoughtful as you seek to serve Christ first and work as a master at your craft. Your story has encouraged me to engage again in the creative process.

*The picture here and the one below are from my neice, Kathrine G.

SHARING THANKS: Papa's Day

2008-11-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

Papa was the most thankful person I've known, and today is Papa's birthday. He would have been 69.

To make myself feel better I've been thinking his party in Heaven is way cooler than any party we'd throw on earth.

Happy birthday Papa. I am so thankful for you, thank you for loving and caring for us.

I missing your strong, greatful soul, and am continually thankful that God brought you into our lives.

Eat some cake, and the choicest of wines for us as you celebrate eternity, ok?

SHARING THANKS: Mars Hill

2008-11-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

I realized yesterday that I cherish my church.

Since I moved from Spokane, nine and a half years ago, I have struggled to find a church I could call home. I’ve often told myself that I’m not the “community” type. I have friends in a lot of countries and in many communities and thought, well- that’s good enough. However, during those nine years a few people, including my husband, have challenged this thought. I’m glad they did. Yesterday solidified the reality that Mars Hill is my church home.

Matt and I met with the pastor that taught our marriage class. Prior to meeting with him I wasn’t thinking “meeting with a Pastor will prove whether this is the right church,” rather gratitude finally kicked in. Gratitude for the church body that my husband and I are a part of hit me like someone purposely shoving me into a pile of down feathers, and once I landed I looked up to see Christ looking over me with a big sweet smile; the feeling of being loved.

Our meeting wasn't long but the presence of peace, kindness and Christ’s love were present. I appreciate the open, honest non-judgmental attitude of Pastor Phil and believe both Matt and I were equally encouraged, cared for and challenged.

I am thankful for Mars Hill Church.

Sure it’s a big church, sure more technology is used here then you could throw forty Wii joysticks at, sure they'd likely be considered radical Christians. They aren’t perfect, but Christ is working in and through the Pastors, staff and the church body.

Father, continue to lead this church as we continue to worship you, and thank you for Mars Hill.

M&I

2008-11-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

Living Green

2008-11-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hey there- I have a tiny little rant.

I guess I'm tired of people blame shifting and finger pointing at other people for the financial situation they are in.

Today US citizens are struggling more, financially, then they have in a few decades- but I have yet to hear one person, one individual (let alone a larger group) fess up to poor personal spending. Yes, how our government chooses to spend taxes plays a large part. Yes, they should be wiser at how they spend our money. On the other hand, we live in a capitalist country- where practically anyone can sell anything and most of us (compared to many other countries) actually have a choice where most of our money goes.

So, let’s be real. Much of the US financial situation has to do with how individual citizens choose to spend their money. Let’s see...choose to pay a little extra on your mortgage, or buy the huge $2000 television on credit? (“I’ll pay it back- I promise!”)

You might say, “Well, Jessica, a lot of people are cutting back their spending right now.” That’s true; however I want to know if this is a real life change or is it simply because more people are finding employment harder to come by and thus have smaller incomes. Are we finally realizing that credit isn’t a good idea, or are we only babying our budget until we feel financially secure (“feel” being the key word here)?

Perhaps having a financial scare is exactly what we all need. Perhaps this will change our materialistic-got-to-have-it-now mentality to better planning, wiser financial choices, and stronger personal responsibility.

So…what’s my story…?
Well…in retrospect…

Biggest Financial Regret: Not paying my student loan off the second I finished working in Alaska and not taking the first job offered to me, but waiting for the perfect one to come along. I made excuses- “I’m applying to at least three jobs a day, they just don’t want me!” (See what happened? I was blaming someone else for my situation). The reality: I knew even then that I could have gotten a job at a bakery ½ mile from my home- I was just too prideful to take the plunge from University graduate to baker and/or cashier. Four years later- I really wish I would have. The better choice would have been to take a part-time job to pay bills while looking for the “perfect” job. I would have avoided sinking into a couple thousand in credit card debt and making no headway on my student loan.

Best Financial Choice: Taking a 13 week course from Financial Peace University at a friend’s house, with my husband. This class was not only practical, but easy to understand without making me feel like a child. The course has paved the way for knocking out our credit card debt and now tackling the big student loan. I admit, Matt and I have not been the peak of perfection since we took the course, however, it change our perspective. We looked in the mirror and said- oh, that’s right; I’m the one who got me in this mess, now I’d better get myself out.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Oh, good for you Jessica, you’re now a certified goodie-two-shoes!” If that is how you see me, well- fine with me, however you might be missing the point. Some of my hard knocks could actually help you.

Realize that life is bigger than you (the car you drive, the TV you own, and the house you wish you had) but also that your daily choices have an impact on your life and those around you. Admit, if you are in a situation like I was, you are not being responsible with your money. If you don’t know how to be responsible with it, figure it out. Take a class, check out www.daveramsey.com or learn from people who have spent a life time practicing wise financial responsibility. Allow for some failure. Most people don’t learn how to walk the first time they take a step, it takes time and the benefits are long range. Make a plan and try your hardest to stick with it, but if you lose control for a day or a week or a month, slap yourself on the hand and move forward once again. Don’t sit around having a pity-party. Finally, remember that your money (at least in my perspective) and your life is a gift- so live it with gratitude by practicing good stewardship.

I think that’s it for now.

Doing.

2008-11-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

So, my friend Roboseyo asked how I'm doing.

After getting home from work today I've realized that for the last few days I've been on survival mode.

At work our utilty companies decided it was time to blame each other for shutting down not one, not two, not three but ALL twelve of our phone lines, PLUS our internet connection! Its taken THREE days to get someone to at least say what's wrong and they are still blaming each other. Day two of the mess someone finally suggested routing calls to a cell phone. So, I was the lucky duck to answer all incoming calls on ONE phone (I'm not even going into how I managed to e-mail customers from home).

It was crazy, but you know what (and I know God was with me) I actually answered that phone with a good attitude.

BUT...I'm drained.

Meanwhile...

Through a nanny friend, I heard about a baby girl who is recovering from her second heart surgery within the span of her first year of life. My nanny friend cares for the baby and mentioned to the parents that baby was looking pretty bad lately. The parents took her to the hospital. Apparently, her lungs are not expelling enough CO2 becuase her diaphram is not healing properly. I feel horrible for the sweet little baby and am praying for her. If you think of her pray for her and her parents and her nanny.

Also, the fact that this little baby is dealing with what my Papa experianced the last few days of his life (too much CO2) strikes me deeper than I want. It conjours up difficult, yet somehow amazingly beautiful pictures I vividly remember from my last minutes with Papa.

I'll never forget the look on his face and his ash colored skin and the kiss I placed on his balding head, or his closed eyes, or rough scratchy voice saying "thank you God" over and over again. I'll never forget the difficulty he had making coversation- yet the feeling that he knew and loved us so much even in the last moments. I'll never forget the feeling of trying to hold on to the seconds. I'll never forget what he looked like walking from the hospice bed to his favorite chair where he sat and listened peacefully at the last songs he'd hear on earth. And I'll never forget the way he looked straight at me, as I stepped out of the front door and turned back to look at him- the last moment I'd see him. He gave me a sweet, happy smile. His eyes looking directly into mine, perfectly clear and perfectly aware. His look playfully communicated, "Love ya Jessie-poodle...see you soon."

Loosing someone I love is surely harder than anything I've experianced- yet is the strangest feeling too because sometimes i have so much peace.

Crying tonight and missing my Papa...looking forward to the morning.

Oh, the marriage bed...

2008-11-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

This is my bedding. The top is the beautifully crafted quilt my talented mother-in-law made for Matt and I for our wedding. It fits our bed perfectly, BUT...I have problem...

Matt sleeps warmer than I so the quilt is adequate. I sleep much cooler, so I add my downcomforter folded in half over the quilt. My old duvet was looking really warn, and Matt and I both liked this duvet, so after searching for months to find it, I bought it off ebay.

But now...I'm having a sinking feeling that they just don't go. My dresser is to be the same color as the duvet...hmmm....right now, this is what the bed looks like...

However, i'd rather have the handmade quilt covering the bed like this (the lighting in this pic is horrible.)Or at least this...

but dear there was just too much going on... OR perhaps its just those really white pillows. Do you think if I should nix those to make it would look better? Or perhaps there is a different room element i need to work on...hmm...

Any ideas?