So much has been happening in our lives, but I wanted to give a short rundown:

- I was thoroughly sick for two weeks, and missed at least seven days of life. Well, I was alive, but it didn't feel like that while coughing so hard that I was vomiting.

- I'm happy to say that I feel great right now.

- Just as I started feeling better, Matt woke with a 102 degree temperature and he missed a few days of his life too, but he's headed back to work tomorrow - YAY! Snohomish Community Health program!

-My mom bought a great house recently for a screaming deal. Screaming. It only needed minor repairs to move into. My sis Kim and I helped her find it, which was one of my favorite things I've done this year!

-With all the great news, Mom has been having health concerns - likely more mini-strokes mixed with a bad drug cocktail that was served to her through stupid, irresponsible doctors- pray for her as this can be scary, and is tiring and her body is not working like she's used to. And pray for us as we love her and want her to feel better.

- I've recently realized that along with loving nerdy stuff like spreadsheets and an over organized linen closet, I love physical labor. I love being in the yard, I love delivering cards to the 311 units at the apartments, I love kneading dough, I love walking, I love dance, I love scrubbing and oh so many other things. Meanwhile, my body doesn't love it as much. In fact, I'm concerned with my feet because they ache and ache and ache deeply when I work hard - pray for that if you think about it as there is a high chance I have RA. Health insurance will show up in May (thank God) and we'll check into it then.


- Our family and friends have been consistently loving and faithful as Matt and I work hard here in Everett, and are so busy that everything has to be scheduled.  Unless you live within a mile of us spontaneity doesn't exist. We are incredibly blessed to have such a great group of people at church and in our families who love and support us.

- We love our family immensely and have had some really sweet moments. Mimmermabib (Matt's mom) has been so kind, helping us during our sickness, and Kim and Charles (my sis and bil) and I worked really hard for mom  yesterday and it was so nice to serve with everyone. We come from good stock!

- I had a great Easter day at Mums, and we saw Will and Meg who are so delightful and lovely!

- My lovely twin Jenn and her husband Gav are coming into town in ten days - I cannot say how excited I am as it won't justify my excitement.

- My other sis, Karin is moving in with Mom, which I think will be great on many levels! yay!

- I have really been missing my family in Spokane and Wyoming and my sweet friend and her family on Vancouver Island, BC and my friends in Fairbanks, AK. I wish I could see you all right now!

- Finally, Matt and I feeling really thankful and blessed that our hard work is paying off and we're sticking to our goals, financially, planning for our future and relationally.  This is awesome and difficult and all kinds of tricky but it's been good and it has made me feel like I can consciously dream again - something I really haven't done  in a while.

- I wish I could edit this more, but I need to sleep more than worry about my typing or saying exactly what I mean or feel- now it's time to let my subconscious do the dreaming.

Guh.

I'm sitting in the dark, on a bed on the floor and every time I stop coughing I hear the refrigerator. My throat is throbbing form the incessant coughing that resulted from a severe cold over the last few days. The postnasal drip seems to have almost disappeared, but my raw throat screams out in a duck-like cough ever time something tickles it, which is about ever other minute. I have had many colds, but these are the worst. I've been living the life of a mute and forwarding all my calls to Matt and forcing friends to text or email me because talking with me is more like talking in a nightmare.

On top of that the codeine syrup prescribed by the Doc appears to have no effect on my nocturnal need to cough at all odds! I'm likely heading toward addiction, since I keep taking more because NOTHING IS HAPPENING! The same stupid, frustrating, sleep depriving cough, I'm so tired of being tired and I've said that before, yet this time I really mean it more than ever. Tired of feeling like the lining of my throat, made of sandpaper, moves with ever single intake of air or change in my sleeping position. Upright is the easiest for me, but who sleeps sitting up unless they (like myself) always ride coach?  

Here I am...awake, loathing my only desire, to throw my head against the pillow, wishing I had a huge jar of liquid NyQuil, my preferred cough medicine. It tastes like licorice and it knocks me out cold....stupid Codeine prescription!

One final note, by sleeping on the floor in the living room at least Matt gets a good night sleep in our bed- no matter where I am sleeping isn't happening.

QUICK AND THICK

This is a quick post without much thought to grammer, punctuatioin, etc.

We just finished our 30th (that's approx.) event at Crystal Cove and I'm finally okay with saying that I like this gig.  I would never want say it to anyone when we started, but I was almost certain I wouldn't really like doing this. But,  I've starting looking forward events, they are fun and interactive and use the other more low-key, and often creative side of my brain! Plus, I've gotten to know quite a few people now.  Today, I felt myself getting excited as I finished up work and drove home, and felt even more happy as I got ready for the event. Just looking forward to seeing people eating my soup and having fun. I'm glad we're doing this - even if it means I walk and take the bus to work, and even if it means it feels like we are professional time jugglers. Matt and I both desire to be debt free and we just a need a few more months, and anyway, I'm really loving my walks to work, rain or shine.

I guess the next question in the fuzz of it all is, why in the heck did we decide to do lent this year!? taking sugar, my staple food addiction and throwing it out feels like throwing out a baby - I mean food addiction - with the bathwater.  It has been going okay, besides when I see anything sweet, even a picture my mouth starts watering. I'm keeping oranges and apples close by - these are my friends. But a tip - don't over Agave your coffee to death - not yummy. (Oh...umm...i'm not supposed to talk about fasting - so that's all you get of that - I'm going to go put some ash on my face now!)

I've found myself really, really overly critical of what I do. For instance, I felt horrible today with the anticlimatic prize winning that we didn't even have on hand- how dumb did I feel. Well, really dumb, I felt like everyone was giving me a pie-in-the-face-that-has-rocks-in-the-bottom-look. Realistically, they they probably weren't, but inside that's how I feel. This is a great example of my feelings of inadequacy lately - which has been flowing in my work, my play and in CNW.

I read God's word which brings my anxiety level to a simmer - right now that's all i feel I can muster - so that's where I am.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's day, and goodnight!

UP-DOWN

I love graphs, maybe because I'm a nerd, and likely because I think visually. When I think of words, I see the letters, people- faces, etc. Right now I'm contemplating my life in graph format. My graph over the last few months is a series of up and down (up-down, up-down, up-down)- all about the same distance between the ups and downs.

My current up-down is employment related. The up: I was offered and accepted a job I really like. I worked hard at applying for work that I would actually like doing and I feel blessed to have received this in such a tight economy. Thank you GOD! The down: getting paid more would be nice. The up: We (my husband and I) have been communicating well, doing well at conflict resolution and we started a budget workshop at our house. The down: my husband has lost his job again and my frustration level with this is a mix of insecurity and feeling lost, with feeling like I've been desensitized.

So, right now, my journey is moving at about this pace, and with this much effort.

Up-down, up-down, up-down...

Beautiful Transformation

Amazing transformation (imagine me twirling around with a big grin!) of a tiny kitchen. This one was shown on Apartment Therapies, Best of 2010 before/afters.

It is BEAUTIFUL....here is the link, so LOOK!

JoAnn's with the Lea-mom

I'm headed out to JoAnn fabrics to get some high-density foam with Lea-mom (AKA Mom-in-law), it's going to be a date.

Isn't that nice?

I'll post pictures by tomorrow of my completed coffee table cushion. I'm converting our beautiful danish style coffee table into an partial ottoman so that we have a cushy foot rest while watching the tube or reading. So far it is turning out dashingly and I'm holding my breath that it'll come out all right.

I had a sweet Christmas.  Still not exactly the same without all my family, but sweet, and I received a set of 5 lb dumbbells (yes, I'm that weak), a heating pad, a bunch of clothes, gloves, earrings, slippers, a set of cordless phones for the house, a cutting board, recipe box, and a manicure set. My gifts were perfect! Of course, lots of chocolate and good food.

Anyway, must run, tootles pip!

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa

I'm thinking today of Christmas and how blessed I feel to have had such a sweet upbringing with parents who loved and cared for me deeply. Lately, I've been wishing I could snuggle in my bed at the house on the highway and peer out the window, early Christmas morning, while it is still dark and the street light is shining down on the snow covered trees and yard. The air in our room is cold, we don't have heat besides the wood stove downstairs and it hasn't been burning since late last night.  My sister, Meg, is just opening the door of my room and whispering to Jenn and I to sneak downstairs and open our stockings.  In our PJ's and sock covered feet me, Jenn and Meg slip downstairs, sit close to the tree, blankets wrapped around us, and open our stockings; usually filled with some small things, hair bands and chocolate, a teddy bear and perhaps a necklace and always a large orange at the toe.

We're there for what seems like an hour, and  Mum wakes, makes coffee- then Papa wakes up and starts the fire that will burn hot all day long.  Then our presents are distributed in no particular order, but we're polite enough to open one at a time around the room.  We each get a sweater, and me and Jenn get something really similar.  I receive a box of colored pencils and Meg books and a large package of white socks.  Jenn receives more clothes and a jewelry box. Papa bought Mum some beautiful, gold earrings and Papa receives recordable tapes and a set of drill bits.  The dachsunds get bones: Christmas has begun.

Around eleven our older siblings and their children arrive and more gifts are opened, then we eat: pumpkin pie, turkey and Mum's famous mashed potatoes, and of course Mum's pickled everything and olives and deviled eggs and so many good things. Dee makes a ham.  We drink tea and eggnog and play games and some of us kids brave the cold snow and later we watch a movie.  Some of the family may stay over for the evening in our rooms or head home or to other Christmas dinners and Aunt Trudy and Mr. Potter arrive too. In the late afternoon, just after we begin dinner, the snow starts falling again, and from the eastern window upstairs, the creek at the back of the property has swollen and is a few feet from the edge of the property. 

So, Santa, I'm not a child anymore.  That was my childhood Christmas and I miss it terribly.  It's different being older, but I'm working on making the holiday real. I'm working on thinking about Christmas differently, realizing that it isn't just about family and presents and making people feel good, but it is most about Jesus.  I remember the Christmas eve services, we'd dress up for those, or go to Christmas eve Mass with Dad, those times brought back our focus from our presents to the greatest gift; God gave his son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.

So, this Christmas, when the family traditions are different, when Papa isn't here anymore, when my family is across multiple states, cities and countries.  This Christmas, when things feel so strange and unlike Christmas, I'm just trying to remember that I've still deeply loved, by God whose son was born in a dirty, dank, animal dung, manger. Born to live a humble life and to die for my life. Santa my Christmas wish for this year: that I will remember, all year round, I am deeply and passionately loved.

Your's truly,
Jessica

Pain the the Neck

I had a good day.

6:30 AM wake-up call, take Matt to work.

8:00 AM get home, check emails, check on the cat and get ready to talk to my sweet Swazi sister (Check out the PC Peace maker on my links).

9:00 AM talk with sister, she rocks, she's hardcore and yes, she's hot.

10:00 AM mom calls and says we planned on hanging out together (umm...somehow I forgot this detail). Hang-up quickly, shower quickly and grab all my stuff.

10:30 AM in the lounge which is FREEZING...I try to get it warmed up, a bunch of kids come we watch the dragon show- major success.

12:10 PM leave to meet mom at fedex/costco in Edmonds, where I print out some things and Mom and I head to downtown Edmonds

12:30 PM we have lunch, I'm still FREEZING cold and the bread they serve is cold, but the food is awesome and the coffee is great and WARM.

1:30 PM we hit the streets which have quick, cold winds whipping around and I'm freezing, but we go in and out of shops so I feel okay still.

4:30 PM Matt calls it's time to get him.

5:00 PM I pick Matt up, we head home and my shoulder, shoulder blade and neck tense up and pain starts shooting everywhere and yes it's my left shoulder and arm, and no I don't think I had a heart attack, my heart is in good working order from a few months ago per a medical thinkamabob I went in for...it's just that I shivered so much today that I'm tight as an elephant's g-string and it's cutting off the circulation.

5:30 PM Matt tries his hardest to help massage...he is trying.

6:00 PM I HAVE to get warm, I'm freezing, I soak in a HOT HOT bath and feel OH so much better.

8:00 PM...I'm having to warm my shoulder up and take Ibuprofen.

SO...what do i learn...

Wear layers....lots of them...

AND DO MY STINKING "PAIN FREE" exercises everyday...then life wouldn't be so painful.

GUH

And please, Jessica, use the voucher you have for a 90 minute massage...SHEESH!

I have a stinking PAIN IN THE NECK.

Great time with mom though and overall great day...now if I could just get to the store...

A Counseling Session

Matt and I have been talking since we were married about him working full time and I working P/T or not at all.  There are a few reasons for this, but mainly he doesn't really care about keeping the house clean and food cooked and I enjoy doing those things, but it's really hard for me to do the cleaning and the cooking and the full time working. Maybe that's a weakness, but it's true. It's REALLY hard for me to do both full time.

So, now that both of us are mostly unemployed (I say mostly because we do have a P/T gig doing events for the apartment community we live in) I feel a little uncertain of this idea....here is why...

1. I've generally been able to make more money then him, go figure, I have a four-year degree. I like money, I get stressed out when we don't have money and I like nice things....

2. I have a hard time believing that I could influence the world positively from home.

3. The idea of a "Stay at home-wife/mom" makes me feel like there is something lazy about me...I'm not saying that applies to anyone else, I'm just saying that about me...I think maybe I'd feel differently if we had children, but we don't.

4. I feel like I'll loose my identity if I'm not given a solid check every two weeks and a nod from by boss that I've done a great job.

So that is that. Looking at the list above a lot of this I'm sure is common among other people faced with a similar situation...meanwhile, It's me and I'm sitting here working through a lot of junk and thinking about what I still want to be when I grow up and it can be overwhelming.

I like getting a pay check, I like being at home...so maybe...I need the two combined...

Good

Today is the first real day that I've seen progress at my house as I try to get things back to normal after the holidays....

Woke up feeling awake, and without back pain thanks to Mr. O and my warm rice sock
Budget for the month in place
Schedule for the month penciled in
Office cleaned
Papers filed
Grocery list started
Reports reviewed and emailed
Calendars delivered and posters put up
Dinner planned
Now Kid's Lounge event
Then evening errands.


I am glad