So much has been happening in our lives, but I wanted to give a short rundown:

- I was thoroughly sick for two weeks, and missed at least seven days of life. Well, I was alive, but it didn't feel like that while coughing so hard that I was vomiting.

- I'm happy to say that I feel great right now.

- Just as I started feeling better, Matt woke with a 102 degree temperature and he missed a few days of his life too, but he's headed back to work tomorrow - YAY! Snohomish Community Health program!

-My mom bought a great house recently for a screaming deal. Screaming. It only needed minor repairs to move into. My sis Kim and I helped her find it, which was one of my favorite things I've done this year!

-With all the great news, Mom has been having health concerns - likely more mini-strokes mixed with a bad drug cocktail that was served to her through stupid, irresponsible doctors- pray for her as this can be scary, and is tiring and her body is not working like she's used to. And pray for us as we love her and want her to feel better.

- I've recently realized that along with loving nerdy stuff like spreadsheets and an over organized linen closet, I love physical labor. I love being in the yard, I love delivering cards to the 311 units at the apartments, I love kneading dough, I love walking, I love dance, I love scrubbing and oh so many other things. Meanwhile, my body doesn't love it as much. In fact, I'm concerned with my feet because they ache and ache and ache deeply when I work hard - pray for that if you think about it as there is a high chance I have RA. Health insurance will show up in May (thank God) and we'll check into it then.


- Our family and friends have been consistently loving and faithful as Matt and I work hard here in Everett, and are so busy that everything has to be scheduled.  Unless you live within a mile of us spontaneity doesn't exist. We are incredibly blessed to have such a great group of people at church and in our families who love and support us.

- We love our family immensely and have had some really sweet moments. Mimmermabib (Matt's mom) has been so kind, helping us during our sickness, and Kim and Charles (my sis and bil) and I worked really hard for mom  yesterday and it was so nice to serve with everyone. We come from good stock!

- I had a great Easter day at Mums, and we saw Will and Meg who are so delightful and lovely!

- My lovely twin Jenn and her husband Gav are coming into town in ten days - I cannot say how excited I am as it won't justify my excitement.

- My other sis, Karin is moving in with Mom, which I think will be great on many levels! yay!

- I have really been missing my family in Spokane and Wyoming and my sweet friend and her family on Vancouver Island, BC and my friends in Fairbanks, AK. I wish I could see you all right now!

- Finally, Matt and I feeling really thankful and blessed that our hard work is paying off and we're sticking to our goals, financially, planning for our future and relationally.  This is awesome and difficult and all kinds of tricky but it's been good and it has made me feel like I can consciously dream again - something I really haven't done  in a while.

- I wish I could edit this more, but I need to sleep more than worry about my typing or saying exactly what I mean or feel- now it's time to let my subconscious do the dreaming.

Guh.

I'm sitting in the dark, on a bed on the floor and every time I stop coughing I hear the refrigerator. My throat is throbbing form the incessant coughing that resulted from a severe cold over the last few days. The postnasal drip seems to have almost disappeared, but my raw throat screams out in a duck-like cough ever time something tickles it, which is about ever other minute. I have had many colds, but these are the worst. I've been living the life of a mute and forwarding all my calls to Matt and forcing friends to text or email me because talking with me is more like talking in a nightmare.

On top of that the codeine syrup prescribed by the Doc appears to have no effect on my nocturnal need to cough at all odds! I'm likely heading toward addiction, since I keep taking more because NOTHING IS HAPPENING! The same stupid, frustrating, sleep depriving cough, I'm so tired of being tired and I've said that before, yet this time I really mean it more than ever. Tired of feeling like the lining of my throat, made of sandpaper, moves with ever single intake of air or change in my sleeping position. Upright is the easiest for me, but who sleeps sitting up unless they (like myself) always ride coach?  

Here I am...awake, loathing my only desire, to throw my head against the pillow, wishing I had a huge jar of liquid NyQuil, my preferred cough medicine. It tastes like licorice and it knocks me out cold....stupid Codeine prescription!

One final note, by sleeping on the floor in the living room at least Matt gets a good night sleep in our bed- no matter where I am sleeping isn't happening.

QUICK AND THICK

This is a quick post without much thought to grammer, punctuatioin, etc.

We just finished our 30th (that's approx.) event at Crystal Cove and I'm finally okay with saying that I like this gig.  I would never want say it to anyone when we started, but I was almost certain I wouldn't really like doing this. But,  I've starting looking forward events, they are fun and interactive and use the other more low-key, and often creative side of my brain! Plus, I've gotten to know quite a few people now.  Today, I felt myself getting excited as I finished up work and drove home, and felt even more happy as I got ready for the event. Just looking forward to seeing people eating my soup and having fun. I'm glad we're doing this - even if it means I walk and take the bus to work, and even if it means it feels like we are professional time jugglers. Matt and I both desire to be debt free and we just a need a few more months, and anyway, I'm really loving my walks to work, rain or shine.

I guess the next question in the fuzz of it all is, why in the heck did we decide to do lent this year!? taking sugar, my staple food addiction and throwing it out feels like throwing out a baby - I mean food addiction - with the bathwater.  It has been going okay, besides when I see anything sweet, even a picture my mouth starts watering. I'm keeping oranges and apples close by - these are my friends. But a tip - don't over Agave your coffee to death - not yummy. (Oh...umm...i'm not supposed to talk about fasting - so that's all you get of that - I'm going to go put some ash on my face now!)

I've found myself really, really overly critical of what I do. For instance, I felt horrible today with the anticlimatic prize winning that we didn't even have on hand- how dumb did I feel. Well, really dumb, I felt like everyone was giving me a pie-in-the-face-that-has-rocks-in-the-bottom-look. Realistically, they they probably weren't, but inside that's how I feel. This is a great example of my feelings of inadequacy lately - which has been flowing in my work, my play and in CNW.

I read God's word which brings my anxiety level to a simmer - right now that's all i feel I can muster - so that's where I am.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's day, and goodnight!

UP-DOWN

I love graphs, maybe because I'm a nerd, and likely because I think visually. When I think of words, I see the letters, people- faces, etc. Right now I'm contemplating my life in graph format. My graph over the last few months is a series of up and down (up-down, up-down, up-down)- all about the same distance between the ups and downs.

My current up-down is employment related. The up: I was offered and accepted a job I really like. I worked hard at applying for work that I would actually like doing and I feel blessed to have received this in such a tight economy. Thank you GOD! The down: getting paid more would be nice. The up: We (my husband and I) have been communicating well, doing well at conflict resolution and we started a budget workshop at our house. The down: my husband has lost his job again and my frustration level with this is a mix of insecurity and feeling lost, with feeling like I've been desensitized.

So, right now, my journey is moving at about this pace, and with this much effort.

Up-down, up-down, up-down...

Beautiful Transformation

Amazing transformation (imagine me twirling around with a big grin!) of a tiny kitchen. This one was shown on Apartment Therapies, Best of 2010 before/afters.

It is BEAUTIFUL....here is the link, so LOOK!

JoAnn's with the Lea-mom

I'm headed out to JoAnn fabrics to get some high-density foam with Lea-mom (AKA Mom-in-law), it's going to be a date.

Isn't that nice?

I'll post pictures by tomorrow of my completed coffee table cushion. I'm converting our beautiful danish style coffee table into an partial ottoman so that we have a cushy foot rest while watching the tube or reading. So far it is turning out dashingly and I'm holding my breath that it'll come out all right.

I had a sweet Christmas.  Still not exactly the same without all my family, but sweet, and I received a set of 5 lb dumbbells (yes, I'm that weak), a heating pad, a bunch of clothes, gloves, earrings, slippers, a set of cordless phones for the house, a cutting board, recipe box, and a manicure set. My gifts were perfect! Of course, lots of chocolate and good food.

Anyway, must run, tootles pip!

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa

I'm thinking today of Christmas and how blessed I feel to have had such a sweet upbringing with parents who loved and cared for me deeply. Lately, I've been wishing I could snuggle in my bed at the house on the highway and peer out the window, early Christmas morning, while it is still dark and the street light is shining down on the snow covered trees and yard. The air in our room is cold, we don't have heat besides the wood stove downstairs and it hasn't been burning since late last night.  My sister, Meg, is just opening the door of my room and whispering to Jenn and I to sneak downstairs and open our stockings.  In our PJ's and sock covered feet me, Jenn and Meg slip downstairs, sit close to the tree, blankets wrapped around us, and open our stockings; usually filled with some small things, hair bands and chocolate, a teddy bear and perhaps a necklace and always a large orange at the toe.

We're there for what seems like an hour, and  Mum wakes, makes coffee- then Papa wakes up and starts the fire that will burn hot all day long.  Then our presents are distributed in no particular order, but we're polite enough to open one at a time around the room.  We each get a sweater, and me and Jenn get something really similar.  I receive a box of colored pencils and Meg books and a large package of white socks.  Jenn receives more clothes and a jewelry box. Papa bought Mum some beautiful, gold earrings and Papa receives recordable tapes and a set of drill bits.  The dachsunds get bones: Christmas has begun.

Around eleven our older siblings and their children arrive and more gifts are opened, then we eat: pumpkin pie, turkey and Mum's famous mashed potatoes, and of course Mum's pickled everything and olives and deviled eggs and so many good things. Dee makes a ham.  We drink tea and eggnog and play games and some of us kids brave the cold snow and later we watch a movie.  Some of the family may stay over for the evening in our rooms or head home or to other Christmas dinners and Aunt Trudy and Mr. Potter arrive too. In the late afternoon, just after we begin dinner, the snow starts falling again, and from the eastern window upstairs, the creek at the back of the property has swollen and is a few feet from the edge of the property. 

So, Santa, I'm not a child anymore.  That was my childhood Christmas and I miss it terribly.  It's different being older, but I'm working on making the holiday real. I'm working on thinking about Christmas differently, realizing that it isn't just about family and presents and making people feel good, but it is most about Jesus.  I remember the Christmas eve services, we'd dress up for those, or go to Christmas eve Mass with Dad, those times brought back our focus from our presents to the greatest gift; God gave his son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.

So, this Christmas, when the family traditions are different, when Papa isn't here anymore, when my family is across multiple states, cities and countries.  This Christmas, when things feel so strange and unlike Christmas, I'm just trying to remember that I've still deeply loved, by God whose son was born in a dirty, dank, animal dung, manger. Born to live a humble life and to die for my life. Santa my Christmas wish for this year: that I will remember, all year round, I am deeply and passionately loved.

Your's truly,
Jessica

Pain the the Neck

I had a good day.

6:30 AM wake-up call, take Matt to work.

8:00 AM get home, check emails, check on the cat and get ready to talk to my sweet Swazi sister (Check out the PC Peace maker on my links).

9:00 AM talk with sister, she rocks, she's hardcore and yes, she's hot.

10:00 AM mom calls and says we planned on hanging out together (umm...somehow I forgot this detail). Hang-up quickly, shower quickly and grab all my stuff.

10:30 AM in the lounge which is FREEZING...I try to get it warmed up, a bunch of kids come we watch the dragon show- major success.

12:10 PM leave to meet mom at fedex/costco in Edmonds, where I print out some things and Mom and I head to downtown Edmonds

12:30 PM we have lunch, I'm still FREEZING cold and the bread they serve is cold, but the food is awesome and the coffee is great and WARM.

1:30 PM we hit the streets which have quick, cold winds whipping around and I'm freezing, but we go in and out of shops so I feel okay still.

4:30 PM Matt calls it's time to get him.

5:00 PM I pick Matt up, we head home and my shoulder, shoulder blade and neck tense up and pain starts shooting everywhere and yes it's my left shoulder and arm, and no I don't think I had a heart attack, my heart is in good working order from a few months ago per a medical thinkamabob I went in for...it's just that I shivered so much today that I'm tight as an elephant's g-string and it's cutting off the circulation.

5:30 PM Matt tries his hardest to help massage...he is trying.

6:00 PM I HAVE to get warm, I'm freezing, I soak in a HOT HOT bath and feel OH so much better.

8:00 PM...I'm having to warm my shoulder up and take Ibuprofen.

SO...what do i learn...

Wear layers....lots of them...

AND DO MY STINKING "PAIN FREE" exercises everyday...then life wouldn't be so painful.

GUH

And please, Jessica, use the voucher you have for a 90 minute massage...SHEESH!

I have a stinking PAIN IN THE NECK.

Great time with mom though and overall great day...now if I could just get to the store...

A Counseling Session

Matt and I have been talking since we were married about him working full time and I working P/T or not at all.  There are a few reasons for this, but mainly he doesn't really care about keeping the house clean and food cooked and I enjoy doing those things, but it's really hard for me to do the cleaning and the cooking and the full time working. Maybe that's a weakness, but it's true. It's REALLY hard for me to do both full time.

So, now that both of us are mostly unemployed (I say mostly because we do have a P/T gig doing events for the apartment community we live in) I feel a little uncertain of this idea....here is why...

1. I've generally been able to make more money then him, go figure, I have a four-year degree. I like money, I get stressed out when we don't have money and I like nice things....

2. I have a hard time believing that I could influence the world positively from home.

3. The idea of a "Stay at home-wife/mom" makes me feel like there is something lazy about me...I'm not saying that applies to anyone else, I'm just saying that about me...I think maybe I'd feel differently if we had children, but we don't.

4. I feel like I'll loose my identity if I'm not given a solid check every two weeks and a nod from by boss that I've done a great job.

So that is that. Looking at the list above a lot of this I'm sure is common among other people faced with a similar situation...meanwhile, It's me and I'm sitting here working through a lot of junk and thinking about what I still want to be when I grow up and it can be overwhelming.

I like getting a pay check, I like being at home...so maybe...I need the two combined...

Good

Today is the first real day that I've seen progress at my house as I try to get things back to normal after the holidays....

Woke up feeling awake, and without back pain thanks to Mr. O and my warm rice sock
Budget for the month in place
Schedule for the month penciled in
Office cleaned
Papers filed
Grocery list started
Reports reviewed and emailed
Calendars delivered and posters put up
Dinner planned
Now Kid's Lounge event
Then evening errands.


I am glad

I'm Awake

For someone whose eyes prefer the top of the mountain where the jagged parts, soft tops and dark valleys soften together to create a painter's landscape, or the vast sea from the shore with it's liquid music and visual eternity, it is most difficult to wait in the dense forest, with sleeping friends and a think fog.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, a holiday set aside to be thankful for the harvest and for what we have. It is also November 25 and subsequently Papa would be 71 years old today.  It's been just over two years since I saw him last and I still miss him the same, but I think he'd prefer that I remain a thankful person, as he was so consistently thankful to God for what he'd been given.

In memory of Papa, here are some reasons I am thankful.

Salvation.  I am thankful that God loves me despite my crooked heart, that he has sent Jesus to save my soul and the Holy Spirit to provide discernment.  It is all true and I am so thankful, to the point of incomprehensible peace and gratitude. Thank you good, merciful and loving God.

Creation. The fact that we live in a beautiful world, that God made and that we, because we're made in His image, have the ability to make brings me to tears

Family. The family that I grew up in, my Dad and his family, my Papa and Mama, my 7 sisters and 1 brother and their families- my nieces and nephews. I love my step family that I know well through Papa and my new family through Matt, who surprises me so often with their love. Without them I would be a very different Jessica

Friends. While historically friendship has been a difficult thing for me God has provided AMAZING friends in my life who have truly, truly shown me love, kindness and truth. These people are living gems and I thank God for knowing them. I am so grateful for you all.

My husband.  More than any other person we've fought fire together, and sometimes against each other, but we stand, more united than before and I am so thankful to be the warrior wife standing near you, and so thankful for all the ways God has shown up in our lives both with loving arms and a strong fist.

My cat. I didn't want a cat- but he is such a joy. I really, really love animals and thank God for this little fuzzy joy.

Being a twin. This is an experience that is so deep, I cannot put it into words, but even more I am so thankful for God's divine work in my life because my twin saved me and I her.

Being home schooled and having to garden for what seemed like all-the-time.  These two experiences taught me that I can do anything.

Dance. If I were to do one thing for the rest of my life, I would dance- and while I'm by no means a professional, I am thankful for the ability to move and the few years I had lessons.

Food. Thank you God for providing for us.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Expectations Land Softly

I'm at the point where papers are literally pilling up on my office desk and around my house. There are scarps of paper and fabric near my coffee table and tools laying about. My bed isn't made and the laundry is almost done and folded but not put away.  I haven't made a proper meal in the last four days (besides the recipe below and Matt's lunchs), but thankfully I have managed to keep the dishes done and the counter in the kitchen clean.  I've also managed to hang one set of curtains and wrangle Matt into hanging my knife rack (the magnetic kind).

I'm working at UPS (the pest place) part time for a while and Matt's working full time, gone for twelves hours each day (OHHHHH how I HATE commutes) and our car has been having problems so it takes my ENTIRE body to turn corners (Yay for the machanic who is fixing it tomorrow).

Meanwhile, we're also trying to be 100% into Community NW and we're beginning to think that we cannot have me working CNW and a P/T job for the long run, which is what we thought initially, but now we know.

Also, I've been feeling really thankful right now for my life, for the people in it, the sacredness of being here and being given the time on earth to learn about God and love others like Christ. Life is a gift, it is also a shadow. I must treat it tenderly and thoughfully, with a soft strength. (By the way, I've had a number of really deep thought provoking conversations lately which I'll hopefully be able to share when I'm not so piled up with things).

So right now I'm thankful for the little moments, for the tiny accomplishments. I'm not going to beat myself up for the things I haven't gotten done and I won't let anyone else beat me up. God isn't angry at me because I have a big mess at home - I've been frightfully busy doing the important things, with His help and timing, the rest of it will be taken care of too.

I made this today- with a whole egg tempered perfectly.

Here is where the picture and recipe were found. Thanks to The Kitchn.

I used Malt O Meal instead, and my thoughts on it are: a subtle substance = happiness.

Fall Festival Kick Off

Today is the fall party at Crystal Cove, the apartment community Matt and I have been working at for a month and there is so much to do. We need to set up the room, bake more cookies, buy bottles of soda for the bowling game, make more frosting, take out our trash, go grocery shopping and a bunch of other things. I'm overwhelmed, but something I've been learning about being overwhelmed is that I need to get all the stuff that is packed in my cranium out and aired.

I went to sleep last night at 1:30 AM, which is super later for me, but I couldn't sleep past 7:30 this morning. Since then, I've been up trying to accomplish some things, one of which was  making a German pancake with apple sauce in hopes that it would lure my ever sleeping husband from bed. No cigar. He is still in bed with the covers pulled over his face and about ten pillows stacked on top of his head. I hope he can breath because when he does wake up I really need him.

The truth is that I don't understand migraines.  I've had maybe ten in my lifetime and only two of them have been painful, the others just made the world look like it does through a kaleidoscope.

I did have my share of the German pancake and man, I think this is my favorite morning breakfast. So custard like and delicious. Meanwhile, the man is still asleep and I believe today has marked the moment when I finally realize that my husband doesn't care much about food. He likes it, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hit his top ten list of things he enjoys.  That is SUPER strange for me since I love food, cooking food, trying food, eating food, planning food. It's a creative process and when something turns out well I LOVE seeing others enjoy it. The down side is if they don't express satisfaction I'm calculating the next time I make that dish and determining ways to fix it.

Yet, I can honestly say that today's pancake rocks! Now who gets to share the other 3/4th of the goodness?

My new project...well, my brainchild, Matt's project.

Oatmeal Mask

Recently, an artist friend of mine gave me a full tutorial on how to make a mask- as in masquerade.  It was great fun, except that one of the steps was slathering vaseline over my ENTIRE face, which has resulted in a month of itchy, angry, face-full of clogged pores. Where is my 9th grade homeroom when I need it?

So, today, I decided to resurrect my thirty-year old face by making another mask. An oatmeal, honey, milk mask via a recipe I found online.  Yes, you may think that slapping breakfast cereal all over my face dropped me to the level of a 1 year old- but so far, so good. My face is kissing itself right now - a sign of maturity.

All things considered, my fancy mask turned out fairly well. I'll confirm this Sunday night by answering my door, candy in hand with a molded, grimacing look. However, if over the next two days the oatmeal morphs me into Mrs. Hyde, well then it is still a win-win situation; Sunday, I'll just skip the fancy mask all together.

PS. I am learning about photoshop elements...it is fun.

Melinda Hackett

I just read an article about Melinda Hackett, an artist who had a treehouse built for her daughters in Manhattan. Her unfriendly neighbors made a big fuss over it because the neighborhood is historical; people like Mark Twain lived there, and he certainly wouldn't have approved. Anyway, she won the case and I won by reading the article because I felt enticed to see her paintings. I'm glad I did and you will be  too. Please visit her website!

Fear And Other Findings

A friend gave me a chance to talk today, it was nice being inquired about. Thinking over what we discussed, here are some of my current findings.

A. I've realized that it is hard for me to follow-up with new people. It's hard for me to develop new friendships by asking them to coffee, or over for dinner, or just calling on the phone. These simple things may seem easy, yet to me they feels like mountain climbing with a fifty pound pack in flip-flops.  This is a weakness.  Not an insurmountable weakness, but something that I'm asking God to grow me in.

B. Growing up, my family (Pa, ma and their children) didn't have much money. In fact, I can still remember being teased for wearing clothes from Goodwill, and I thought shopping at K-Mart was high end.  Because of that and also because of my biological father's propensity to make a LOT of money, but never have any, I am (at a VERY deep level) afraid of being poor.  I didn't realize this until just a few months back and it has been revealing. I've realized that my employment choices and my pushing us (Matt and I) to make as much money as possible is a fear based reaction versus necessity. Of course, to live, money must come from somewhere, but I had pushed God away from ultimate provide to being one who provides only when absolutely necessary. This is not Biblical and it does not encourage faith, not to mention it has made for many frustrating and overwhelming years.  I'm working on this, working on understanding faith in this area.

C. My own trek as an artist hit a rather frustrating low over the last year. Yet, I still believe God is call me toward daily creativit. Currently, this means humbling myself and realizing that my artistic muscles have lost their elasticity.  I do have the Artist Way group that for helping me uncover much of the grap that has held me back for so long. Most of it is linked to the fear of not having money and the uncertainty of my own gifts.

D. I love my husband. I know, this seems like it should be a given, but we had a really rough first years, and saying this is important, it not only solidifies the pain and struggle we had, but also the truth that those years were worth it. Matthew, is the most unique, quirky person I know (and I know a LOT of unique and quirky people). He talks more than most people I know and loves people more than most I know. He is AMAZING at picking out music and also chatting with strangers and dear friends on their level. I love reading books with him and taking trips with him, and sharing with him spiritual questions and struggles. He can be loud and often doesn't consider things before he speaks, yet he is also tender and willing to grow and we have both changed so much in such a short time being married.  If this is what marriage will be for us, I am proud to be his wife, and excited to grow and learn with him. I love my husband.

My Model