Its been a little less than a year since I saw Papa, and I'm missing him badly this week. A lot of emotions I've held down for some time are beginning to swell- and that's ok. I'm letting them come.
I've been imagining that there is a little space ship I can jump into and go visit him whenever I want, but I can't do that. Besides, my husband pointed out, that if I could do that, and I reached Heaven, I'd probably want to stay there and not return to earth.
Oh to have no Papa here, and to have to wait for an unknown time to be re-united.
I just want a Papa bear hug.
...Father, God, our creator, show me how you are my father.
Thursday, September 3
Wednesday, August 26
Thursday, August 20
Defeat
Today I feel defeated. Someone I know (not close to me) joked about something that might not be a joke, and if its true- the small secret is going to cost a lot of people discomfort, most of all me. Although their little joke may just have been a joke, the possibility is still pretty hard to think about.
Aside from the 'little joke' there is another catalyst for my distress. It is five years of employment in Customer Service coupled with an absent desire to work as a thespian. I don't regret my bachelor's degree, but I have different desires now. I've had people in the past try to give advice about my employment, such as: "Hang in there, its just a season," or "You get to talk to people all day, that's easy," "At least you have a job," or "Sales and Customer service is really fun." The thing is, its been a long season, I am an introvert, the best experience I've had recently was being unemployed, and my work is taxing. The reality is the 'advice' others often give is based on their own perspective of what I do. It isn't addressing my heart, because the truth is, my heart is really heavy and tired of carrying the financial burden of two people by working 40 hours a week doing something that makes me feel like I was run over by a train.
I've been thinking a lot about making life changes, or going to school for some kind of design, systems management, or analyst (I'm narrowing my interest here). However, there are so many what ifs and risk factors and "I don't knows". (AKA questions like: What job would I like? Would I have to take out loans? How could I survive working and going to school? What if Matt keeps going through job ups and downs, how will we be cared for? Do I have what it takes? Will I be able to work in what I enjoy? When should we start having children? If/when we have children, can I still work, if I do who takes care of the babies? Do I really want to start a career, or would I just like to be a mom and wife? If I was a mom and wife only, would Matt care for us? What does God want? Am I submitting to God and his will?). I want to know, know that it will all work out. My desire to know, to be certain, is a point of weakness for me- I think it is holding me back. I'm not someone who shies away from change or confrontation, but I do shy away from uncertainty.
The two sides of my brain are screaming at each other and there is no resolution. Anxiety for tomorrow mixed with resentment toward today is making me crazy. Yet I do feel a bit of calm when I go back to God and trust in his sovereign power over this world, and my life. When I realize that God is the point, not me. On the same token, I do know that I am his child, that he wants to best for me, and wants me to trust him in my weaknesses- but its hard, and today I'm feeling defeated on that front.
Oh Lord, you know my heart. Help me rest in your unchanging love and goodness, give me the strength and persistence to go forward, even in the mist of discomfort. Show me the way and help I and Matt follow your path. Give me clarity on the next step and lead me to take those risks where fear has disabled me.
Aside from the 'little joke' there is another catalyst for my distress. It is five years of employment in Customer Service coupled with an absent desire to work as a thespian. I don't regret my bachelor's degree, but I have different desires now. I've had people in the past try to give advice about my employment, such as: "Hang in there, its just a season," or "You get to talk to people all day, that's easy," "At least you have a job," or "Sales and Customer service is really fun." The thing is, its been a long season, I am an introvert, the best experience I've had recently was being unemployed, and my work is taxing. The reality is the 'advice' others often give is based on their own perspective of what I do. It isn't addressing my heart, because the truth is, my heart is really heavy and tired of carrying the financial burden of two people by working 40 hours a week doing something that makes me feel like I was run over by a train.
I've been thinking a lot about making life changes, or going to school for some kind of design, systems management, or analyst (I'm narrowing my interest here). However, there are so many what ifs and risk factors and "I don't knows". (AKA questions like: What job would I like? Would I have to take out loans? How could I survive working and going to school? What if Matt keeps going through job ups and downs, how will we be cared for? Do I have what it takes? Will I be able to work in what I enjoy? When should we start having children? If/when we have children, can I still work, if I do who takes care of the babies? Do I really want to start a career, or would I just like to be a mom and wife? If I was a mom and wife only, would Matt care for us? What does God want? Am I submitting to God and his will?). I want to know, know that it will all work out. My desire to know, to be certain, is a point of weakness for me- I think it is holding me back. I'm not someone who shies away from change or confrontation, but I do shy away from uncertainty.
The two sides of my brain are screaming at each other and there is no resolution. Anxiety for tomorrow mixed with resentment toward today is making me crazy. Yet I do feel a bit of calm when I go back to God and trust in his sovereign power over this world, and my life. When I realize that God is the point, not me. On the same token, I do know that I am his child, that he wants to best for me, and wants me to trust him in my weaknesses- but its hard, and today I'm feeling defeated on that front.
Oh Lord, you know my heart. Help me rest in your unchanging love and goodness, give me the strength and persistence to go forward, even in the mist of discomfort. Show me the way and help I and Matt follow your path. Give me clarity on the next step and lead me to take those risks where fear has disabled me.
Thursday, July 30
Sunday, June 7
Blessed
I've been thinking a lot about my life, and realizing that I am truly blessed.
To a lot of people the basement room I currently live in doesn't make sense. It is true that I would love to have my own apartment or own a house, but through this experience I am learning. Of course the main goal right now is to pack some money away and pay off debt, but by living here, I think I'm grasping a tiny bit of the meaning of humility. Plus, I have a house over my head, food to eat and kind people to live with. I am blessed.
Also, complications with my Mother's heath have recently surfaced. She's been having small strokes that are likely connected to a fallacy in her heart and/or blood. I cannot even express her strength. My mom is truly one of the bravest people I know. When an important person in in my life experiences pain, and the possibility of death, my life comes into sharper focus. I love and respect my mother. She is one of my best friends and to be able to say that I have her as my mother I am blessed beyond measure.
I don't think there is any other way to put it.
Blessed.
To a lot of people the basement room I currently live in doesn't make sense. It is true that I would love to have my own apartment or own a house, but through this experience I am learning. Of course the main goal right now is to pack some money away and pay off debt, but by living here, I think I'm grasping a tiny bit of the meaning of humility. Plus, I have a house over my head, food to eat and kind people to live with. I am blessed.
Also, complications with my Mother's heath have recently surfaced. She's been having small strokes that are likely connected to a fallacy in her heart and/or blood. I cannot even express her strength. My mom is truly one of the bravest people I know. When an important person in in my life experiences pain, and the possibility of death, my life comes into sharper focus. I love and respect my mother. She is one of my best friends and to be able to say that I have her as my mother I am blessed beyond measure.
I don't think there is any other way to put it.
Blessed.
Thursday, May 14
2 more days
I'm moving soon.
Saturday.
Along with some friends who will be helping with the transition, anxiety seems to want to be my new (unwelcome) best friend. Please pray for me. I've been having some anxiety that is making for a unfocused day at work, a hard time breathing, and a desire to sleep everything away.
Matt and I know this is the right decision...but it's also hard, so please pray.
Thanks.
Saturday.
Along with some friends who will be helping with the transition, anxiety seems to want to be my new (unwelcome) best friend. Please pray for me. I've been having some anxiety that is making for a unfocused day at work, a hard time breathing, and a desire to sleep everything away.
Matt and I know this is the right decision...but it's also hard, so please pray.
Thanks.
Thursday, May 7
Busy Bee
Since Matt went to Alaska I've barely had enough time to cook toast. I have been really busy, packing and sorting and planning and scrubbing. Tonight, I'll scrub again. The place I'm moving into needs a lot of TLC. A lot. I'm pretty sure it hadn't been really clean since they built it as an addition to the already large split level home- so I'll clean until it sparkles, then Saturday, I'll make it gleam and shine with new pretty paint.
I think a lot of people wonder why I would put so much effort into a room that I may only live in for six months; in a house that will some day be demolished. For me, I think it can be broken down into four principle reasons; rest, peace, beauty, and worship.
I want the confortable, warm feeling of my home (whether it is a small room or a ten bedroom house) to convey the feeling that I and my guests know they are cared for; I want it to say kick your shoes off and rest. Peace, is a bi-product of this, and for me, working full time, my home needs to provide a sense of peace. A place I come to and wind down. Also, painting a room and making it shine adds value, and I believe, evokes respect. Finally, for me, when I am caring for my home, and re-decorating from the inside out, I believe I am worshiping God for his provision; being a good steward of the gift of living in Seattle for only a few hundred dollars a month.
I will post before and after pictures.
And, if anyone wants to help paint- call me - the painting party is on Saturday.
I think a lot of people wonder why I would put so much effort into a room that I may only live in for six months; in a house that will some day be demolished. For me, I think it can be broken down into four principle reasons; rest, peace, beauty, and worship.
I want the confortable, warm feeling of my home (whether it is a small room or a ten bedroom house) to convey the feeling that I and my guests know they are cared for; I want it to say kick your shoes off and rest. Peace, is a bi-product of this, and for me, working full time, my home needs to provide a sense of peace. A place I come to and wind down. Also, painting a room and making it shine adds value, and I believe, evokes respect. Finally, for me, when I am caring for my home, and re-decorating from the inside out, I believe I am worshiping God for his provision; being a good steward of the gift of living in Seattle for only a few hundred dollars a month.
I will post before and after pictures.
And, if anyone wants to help paint- call me - the painting party is on Saturday.
Tuesday, April 28
Us and the Lil' Naked Purple Guy
I'm sitting at the desk blogging when I really should be cleaning out the fridge, doing the dishes and getting laundry completed.
The last few months have been pretty challenging- financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Matt and I have been trying to figure out how to crunch our buget without crunching our relationship and ruining dreams. Its been tough; like arm wrestling an opponent who's strength is your equal, who you feel will ultimately take you down. Defeat has not yet surface on our side of the match and because of that I am thankful.
About two weeks ago Matt and I made a big, bold decision. We decided to move. Matt would be moving to Alaska and I would be moving to a new place in Seattle. This move is almost purely financial. A friend of mine often says, "Time is money." While, I'm not sure I completely agree with this philosophy, I hope it rings true for the next five months of our time apart.
So here we are. Apart. I'm sitting in a half-packed house, and Matt's up in Alaska waiting for work to start.
To Matt: Love you honey. Thanks for sticking your neck out there and going north, alone as your prepare to take the step into the world of acedemics.
AND...my favorite picture of late...
Saturday, April 25
Monday, April 13
Me
I think I'm tired of not being an artist, and not feeling free in life to be just who I am, free in Christ and made in the image of the Creator.
I love...
...and I miss these things.
I love...
Moving
Imagination
Observing
Nature
Dancing
Flexibility
Organizing
Patterns
Life
Laughing
Family
Friends
Food
Singing
Textures
Home
Color
Thinking
Cooking
Plants
Reading
Learning
Teaching
Dreaming
Strength
Stretching
Resting
...and I miss these things.
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