Today I feel defeated. Someone I know (not close to me) joked about something that might not be a joke, and if its true- the small secret is going to cost a lot of people discomfort, most of all me. Although their little joke may just have been a joke, the possibility is still pretty hard to think about.
Aside from the 'little joke' there is another catalyst for my distress. It is five years of employment in Customer Service coupled with an absent desire to work as a thespian. I don't regret my bachelor's degree, but I have different desires now. I've had people in the past try to give advice about my employment, such as: "Hang in there, its just a season," or "You get to talk to people all day, that's easy," "At least you have a job," or "Sales and Customer service is really fun." The thing is, its been a long season, I am an introvert, the best experience I've had recently was being unemployed, and my work is taxing. The reality is the 'advice' others often give is based on their own perspective of what I do. It isn't addressing my heart, because the truth is, my heart is really heavy and tired of carrying the financial burden of two people by working 40 hours a week doing something that makes me feel like I was run over by a train.
I've been thinking a lot about making life changes, or going to school for some kind of design, systems management, or analyst (I'm narrowing my interest here). However, there are so many what ifs and risk factors and "I don't knows". (AKA questions like: What job would I like? Would I have to take out loans? How could I survive working and going to school? What if Matt keeps going through job ups and downs, how will we be cared for? Do I have what it takes? Will I be able to work in what I enjoy? When should we start having children? If/when we have children, can I still work, if I do who takes care of the babies? Do I really want to start a career, or would I just like to be a mom and wife? If I was a mom and wife only, would Matt care for us? What does God want? Am I submitting to God and his will?). I want to know, know that it will all work out. My desire to know, to be certain, is a point of weakness for me- I think it is holding me back. I'm not someone who shies away from change or confrontation, but I do shy away from uncertainty.
The two sides of my brain are screaming at each other and there is no resolution. Anxiety for tomorrow mixed with resentment toward today is making me crazy. Yet I do feel a bit of calm when I go back to God and trust in his sovereign power over this world, and my life. When I realize that God is the point, not me. On the same token, I do know that I am his child, that he wants to best for me, and wants me to trust him in my weaknesses- but its hard, and today I'm feeling defeated on that front.
Oh Lord, you know my heart. Help me rest in your unchanging love and goodness, give me the strength and persistence to go forward, even in the mist of discomfort. Show me the way and help I and Matt follow your path. Give me clarity on the next step and lead me to take those risks where fear has disabled me.