Fear And Other Findings

A friend gave me a chance to talk today, it was nice being inquired about. Thinking over what we discussed, here are some of my current findings.

A. I've realized that it is hard for me to follow-up with new people. It's hard for me to develop new friendships by asking them to coffee, or over for dinner, or just calling on the phone. These simple things may seem easy, yet to me they feels like mountain climbing with a fifty pound pack in flip-flops.  This is a weakness.  Not an insurmountable weakness, but something that I'm asking God to grow me in.

B. Growing up, my family (Pa, ma and their children) didn't have much money. In fact, I can still remember being teased for wearing clothes from Goodwill, and I thought shopping at K-Mart was high end.  Because of that and also because of my biological father's propensity to make a LOT of money, but never have any, I am (at a VERY deep level) afraid of being poor.  I didn't realize this until just a few months back and it has been revealing. I've realized that my employment choices and my pushing us (Matt and I) to make as much money as possible is a fear based reaction versus necessity. Of course, to live, money must come from somewhere, but I had pushed God away from ultimate provide to being one who provides only when absolutely necessary. This is not Biblical and it does not encourage faith, not to mention it has made for many frustrating and overwhelming years.  I'm working on this, working on understanding faith in this area.

C. My own trek as an artist hit a rather frustrating low over the last year. Yet, I still believe God is call me toward daily creativit. Currently, this means humbling myself and realizing that my artistic muscles have lost their elasticity.  I do have the Artist Way group that for helping me uncover much of the grap that has held me back for so long. Most of it is linked to the fear of not having money and the uncertainty of my own gifts.

D. I love my husband. I know, this seems like it should be a given, but we had a really rough first years, and saying this is important, it not only solidifies the pain and struggle we had, but also the truth that those years were worth it. Matthew, is the most unique, quirky person I know (and I know a LOT of unique and quirky people). He talks more than most people I know and loves people more than most I know. He is AMAZING at picking out music and also chatting with strangers and dear friends on their level. I love reading books with him and taking trips with him, and sharing with him spiritual questions and struggles. He can be loud and often doesn't consider things before he speaks, yet he is also tender and willing to grow and we have both changed so much in such a short time being married.  If this is what marriage will be for us, I am proud to be his wife, and excited to grow and learn with him. I love my husband.