Crossroads

I have two weeks of vacation.

Well, not really. I have two more weeks of unemployment before I start my new job. That's right, I interviewed last week for a position as customer service rep to a company near my home that exterminates unwanted creatures like bugs, rodents and birds, and they offered me the job. I start the first week of March. They are paying me well and I'm also going to have the opportunity to help them re-organize some of their internal business structure, which was the part of my last position I really enjoyed.

Unemployment has given me time to think about what I want and desire versus what might be coming my way. What I mean is that I have a specific ideal of what life looks like based on my culture, my upbringing, and my preferences. When my life begins to look different than this, or the arrow starts turning in the opposite direction, my throat closes up and I want to scream and throw things. With the help of my dear friends and family and Christ, I am beginning to realize that the plans God has for me look much different then my own imagination can conjure.

However, I still find myself at a crossroad. Recently, Matt and I received permission to move into his family's cabin in the fall, which means another big change (it’s in a different city). The pros include lower housing fees, and smaller school expenses. Plus, my Mom will be in the same city; studying as well (I’ll save that story for a different entry), and one of my sister’s and her son live there. The cons mean moving away from Seattle, where I'm finally feeling like I belong, and moving away from our group at church. It likely means putting off plans for starting a family, and waiting as Matt gains education with the hope that, through it, he'll be able to make enough money for us to live on, and we can start pursuing other things, like where we want to settle, starting a family, etc.

Where does that leave me? Patience, I'm realizing, is not my best virtue. Perhaps my degree in theatre helps make me look like a patient person, but under it all I'm not. I want things done and I want them done now! I have a great work ethic and can see what needs to be done, but because I’m not the one going to school, I’ll be waiting. And as mentioned before, patience is not my best virtue.

Which, thankfully, brings me to another thought- just because I will not be going to school, doesn’t mean there isn’t something for me. So, I’m also asking God to show me what he wants for me. If Matt goes to school, and finds an area of work that he wants to pursue, what should I be pursuing at the same time? Should I begin pursing theatre, or becoming a self-employed event planner? Maybe, I should fulfill my dream, and become a Pilates instructor. At this point, however, I think I’m done just heading toward stuff because I’m a determined person and by gum I know I can do it, and instead really praying and asking God for peace and confirmation and the right doors to open to show me where to go.

I know that God does give me choice, but I’m too good at making choices based on what I think is the right thing, instead of double checking that it is something both God and I agree on.

For instance, in my last job, I put way too much stock in the respect of my co-workers and my own reliability, instead of being ok pursuing something that incorporates creativity and beauty- two things that I love. In my life, I often put too much weight on my own capability to be responsible and get things ‘right’ the first time. I often haven’t stopped enough to rest and just be, to enjoy life. I’m praying that, through all the choices Matt and I are making, God will help me, guide me toward being who I am; A redeemed daughter, a princess, a bride. So that, no matter where I am geographically, or in what situations I find myself, I can be myself; a free, beautiful creation, loved and adored by the creator of the universe. To live as a woman that is capable of creating, teaching, and making beauty, and who isn’t afraid to experience the beauty and pain that is part of living in this world; a woman who sees eternity and who experiences the moment.